the plunge

Today is Wednesday, March 21, 2012. It's the day I decided that I'm not going to use food to get high anymore.

If that sounds weird, suffice it to say that I've used food as a drug for almost twenty years. Everyone needs to eat, but in many circumstances I use food to take my mind and body away from reality, just like a drug addict does with drugs. Food is my drug of choice. And now I've decided not to use it like that anymore.

I say "decided" - past tense. I guess it was only a few minutes ago, really. But somehow saying it that way makes it immutable. Fixed. I decided. The decision is made. It doesn't matter that part of me, a really big part of me, thinks I'm being crazy and overdramatic and unrealistic. I don't want to listen to that part of me anymore.

I believe that the morality of things like this - eating, drinking, smoking, other vices - varies from person to person. My healthy boundaries might not look the same as your healthy boundaries. So we shouldn't judge one another. The thing is, when it comes to food I never set any boundaries at all.

It's brought me a lot of sorrow. I've prioritized being alone with food over important things, like developing real relationships with people. I've gotten fat and used that as an excuse for not engaging with the world...while also letting the world treat me like a fat person instead of just a person. It's pretty awful.

But eating also brings me a kind of satisfaction I don't get any other way. It's not just the food by itself, usually, but the act of eating and the physical sensations that go with it, especially when paired with watching TV or a movie or reading a book. All of those things put together help me zone out and feel good. I don't just hide from the world, I try to hide from myself, to make everything go away. It feels great, at the time. But it's not healthy. And I'm addicted to it.

Food is a tricky addiction. Everyone has to eat. But in my world of no food boundaries, I realize that eating plus media - TV, books, etc. - is one way I can define the problem. So here I can set a rock, an Ebenezer. This far God has brought me. This far, but no further. This is a boundary. I can't eat at the same time as I use media. Sounds weird. But there it is.

Now I have a boundary.