being known

The last few weeks have been sweet. Two weddings, visits with friends from home, high school, undergrad, Bloomington, and new friends in Fort Wayne. Time with extended family and time in New York with my home folks. It's been good through and through. Knowing well that time with friends and family is extremely limited, I soak it in as deeply as possible. Bt even in the moment, part of me already hurts for the loss of it. Homesickness is almost more intense when I'm at home with the people who love me, because I'm reminded of how good it can be, and how much I lack in my day-to-day life. I have wonderful friends, but the ones that know me are far away and the new ones will take some time to wear in. My family is far, and those who are close are similarly foreign. Romance remains a hopeful dream. My most tangible, intimate relationship is with God, and sitting with him listening to his heart is so intense that I can hardly bear it sometimes. Tonight I realized (again) that I use television and story to fill this gap in my life. I become friends with characters and live their episodic lives over and over again. When there aren't words for the loneliness and I feel too sapped or sinful to focus on the presence of God, the shows and stories are there for me. The serotonin flows every 22 or 42 minutes, or at the end of the chapter. Things are resolved, people love each other, and I watch. I realize that this is escapism, that it's not entirely healthy, and that indulging in it is not choosing abundant life. But I am desperate for the comfort, for the good feelings, for the love that I have everywhere but here where I live. My rational mind knows that television is not the answer, nor is the food I confess I've eaten while watching it. And my heart, somehow satisfied with the feeble and false intimacy of television, avoids the true intimacy of the Father and subsequently is even more ashamed because of the disobedience of escapism. (Will God forgive me again tonight? Yes. But only because of who he is.) Anyway, all this to say that it's been a sweet few weeks with friends and family... And to ask for prayer, because the pockets of time between visits and phone calls and texts and Facebook posts seem like a desert, and food and television are my easy, idolatrous replacements. But my eyes are open, and I'm trusting that my life is going to change. Starting now. Again.