beautiful

The Lord is faithful to all his promises
And loving toward all he has made.
The Lord upholds those who fall
And lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
And you give them their food at the proper time.
You open your hand
And satisfy the desires of every living thing.
- Psalm 145

It's been a month since I've posted here. A month is too long. Call me on it, would you please, my friends? Telling little bits and pieces of my story here is an important part of my recovery - or rather, it's an important part of my obedience to God, who's asked me to write.

I am twenty-seven years old, and in my mind my name tag has always read "fat girl". I work hard to be engaging and outgoing, to make a great first impression, because I know that I need to overcome the first thing that people see - my weight. I don't think about it obsessively, but there's a level of awareness that is always there. The truth is, I see my friends' fashion blogs and I hear "fat girl" in my head. I see my friends in wonderful relationships and I hear "fat girl" in my mind. I see the way normal-sized people are treated and I hear those two boys from seventh grade calling me Moose, as though the world is justified in treating me differently because my weight exempts me from normal respect, compassion, and love.

What a lie from the pit of satan's hell.

No more.

A month ago I met an amazing guy. I would never have called him my type, but after a number of conversations the butterflies in my stomach still hadn't died down. I don't know if Mr. Adorable and I are meant to be, and at this point I don't really care. The amazing thing that happened was that for the first time I was able to consider a giant crush and not immediately write it off due to my "fat girl" status. In fact, I began to believe that maybe, just maybe, it's possible that when people see me they see my real name tag: "Beautiful".

I've been told that I'm pretty, and my dad has always been kind and called me beautiful, but I never believed it was more than kind words or a response to a particularly good make-up application. "Beautiful" has always been at least 100 pounds away. But I'm changing out my name tags.

Instead of "Fat Girl", it now says "Beautiful".

Instead of "Failure", "Hopeful and Courageous".

Instead of "Stupid", "Filled with the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation".

Instead of "Weakling", "Strong in the Lord".

Instead of "Pitiful and Broken", "God's Workmanship".

Instead of "Much Afraid", "Grace and Glory".

Instead of "Forever Lonely", "Beloved Daughter of the King".

My friends, this last month hasn't been perfect. Far from it. But for the first time in my life I believe that I can wear the name "Beautiful" without irony or self-loathing, and it is changing my life.