thirteen

It's been thirteen days since I realized that food + tv and food + books are my drugs of choice. Thirteen days ago I decided not to 'use' anymore.

It's been a very difficult thirteen days.

This weekend I made the mistake of buying jelly beans. It's Easter, and when I was little my brother and I would hunt for those bright plastic eggs all over the house. I remember Mom barely holding back from telling us where to look, and Dad mirroring our delight when we spotted one. Most of those eggs had candy: Reese's cups, malted milk balls, and jelly beans. (Some of them had cold hard cash... Coins in a plastic egg make a delicious rattle.)

So I bought jelly beans. No big deal. I am not on a diet. No food is off limits, not even pure sugar. The boundary post God gave me is about food and media. But the separation between the two has been getting narrower.

First I ate only at the table. Then standing over the sink. Then on my couch. Then between TV shows and between book chapters. Then during commercials. If I mute the TV and close my eyes while I eat, it's not technically doing both at the same time, right?

Hello legalism, how've you been? Oh, by the way, I hate you.

It's not about the rule. It's about the spirit of the thing. It's about freedom. It's about not being a slave to unhealthy physical cravings. It's about redemption: God taking things that are broken in my life and making them whole again. It's about the realization that my peace has been false peace - the peace of a woman whose mind is dulled and whose body is atrophying; a distorted peace of lethargy and evasion. It's about waking up to the hope that I could go to bed at night believing that my day was well-lived, my battles well-fought.

I just threw the rest of my jelly beans away.

Right now I'm working on memorizing some scripture, and this morning I came to this bit in Phillipians where Paul's in jail but talking about getting free. He says, "I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that...Christ will be exalted in my body."

I want this, you guys. I want my body and my life to exalt God and bring him glory. I can't do it alone. Thank you to those of you who've encouraged me... Will you pray for me, too?