Living in the Tension

virtually a community

2011-08-23T06:57:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to become the kind of person that actually DOES things, rather than just sitting around thinking about doing things. It's not an easy transition.

One thing that has helped is understanding my own personality. I'm someone who is easily influenced by others. In my quest to be loved, I tend to adapt to the people around me. It's not necessarily a bad thing; understanding this about myself is helping me initiate changes that actually stick.

For example, last year I decided it was time to get my personal finances under control. I finally had a job with a salary, the student loan payments were starting to come due, and it was time to be a grown-up. Besides the internal motivation ("I want to have my house in order, I don't want to always be in debt"), I tried to surround myself with other influences that are pro-personal-finance.

I started subscribing to personal finance blogs. The Simple Dollar and Get Rich Slowly are a couple favorites. Every day, sometimes even a few times each day, my RSS feed would gift me with information, tips, stories, and inspiration about getting my life and finances in order. The more I heard about it, the more it seemed natural for me to integrate budgeting, frugality, and savings into my life. I understood myself well enough to know that hearing about this constantly would encourage me to change, and it has. My goal is to pay down my student loan debt by 10K this year, and so far I'm on track!

I'm not sure that this method will work for all of the life change I'm hoping for, but it certainly can't hurt. So bring on the blogs: health and fitness, Christianity and grace, librarianship, even parenthood. (Never hurts to be prepared, right?) I know who I want to become, so filling my life with wisdom from other folks on the same path just makes sense.

The calls to action don't hurt, either.

Bring it on.

getting things done

2011-08-18T05:37:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to get more methodical about how I live my life. My aim is to fight the inertia that I find oh-so-comfortable. When I've had a long day (or a short day, or any day), all I want to do is sit on a couch and zone out to the television or a book. It's not a bad thing in itself, but it is not a lifestyle conducive to living with purpose or getting things done.

I'd like to become the kind of person who lives with purpose and can get things done.

But... where do I start? And how do I get motivated? And how do I stay motivated? And how do I make sure I don't get discouraged when I fail? And how do I celebrate the little things that go right? And how do I organize my life enough to actually live according to my priorities?

(Overwhelmed, I sat on the couch and zoned out. But this time my reading material was about setting goals and meeting them. Progress.)

The best thing I've read about getting things done was a blog series about a book called Getting Things Done. Apt, I know. I liked the blog so much, I went out and bought the book. And then I regretted it because the blog was so much more helpful and motivating than the book itself. (Hooray, free resources!)

Long story short, I've begun to implement a lot of the Getting Things Done philosophy into my life and general workflow. And guess what?

I'm actually getting more things done.

It's pretty great.

Not gonna lie.

Except when I'm lying on the couch watching TV or reading a book.

Because I still do that.

After I've gotten some things done, of course.

Well, sometimes.

:-)

this moment

2011-08-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

I've started to wake up one minute before my alarm. As someone who traditionally hates mornings, I'd prefer to stay asleep until the third or fourth snooze alarm rings. But the mornings are beginning to hold a certain charm for me, and I'm starting to enjoy them.

I like the quiet of the house. I like seeing the dawn break outside my window. I like padding across the house to fix a bowl of oatmeal and a hot cup of ~~sweet nectar of the gods~~ tea. My day goes better when I start with prayer and reflection, remembering who I am, whose I am, and what I'm living for. (Hint: The opinions of my supervisor have no part in this reflection.)

Today is the only day I have. The old ones are over, even if those choices and circumstances are still having an effect. I can prepare for tomorrow's problems, but I can't actually face them until tomorrow. Today is the only day I have to work with. In fact, this moment - right now - is the only time I can do anything at all.

It's very freeing. I'm no longer chained to the failures of the past or the expectations of the future. Right now, this very moment, I am forgiven. Right now, I am redeemed. In this moment, God has called me his own.

Likewise, focusing on this moment motivates me to make a difference. I don't have to resist temptation forever - just for this moment right now. (Totally do-able.) If I'm going to make progress, it's going to be by doing something with this moment. If all I can do is something small, that's okay - tiny moments of small things add up to big things eventually. (Discipline. It's still a scary word, but it's less scary if I remove the expectations and just focus on this moment.)

I like this perspective. It gives me hope. And with the sun rising outside my window, the clock telling me it's time to get ready for work, and a To Do list so long it takes a website to organize, hope is a nice way to start the day. Hope and a cup of tea.

2011-08-16T07:32:00.002-05:00

To get a good story, you have to start with a protagonist who wants something.

I'm pretty good at wanting things. Right now I want a nap and a thick pair of socks. But the things I really want, those life-things to which I aspire, are much more lofty.

The thing about dreaming and goal setting is that you have to be able to break things down into attainable steps - things that can be acted on in the short term. I can say to myself, "Today, I am going to be wise!" but of course wisdom is not something you can declare. Breaking it down, though, I can think, "Well, today I'm going to pray for wisdom. I'm going to claim it, because it's a promise from God and I know He won't say no. And I'm going to try to be deliberate about my words and actions today. If I don't rush, I'll be more likely to exercise wisdom."

So the challenge is to see the big goal, break it down into small and immediate actions, and figure out how to pursue the small steps with great discipline.

For me, the hardest part is discipline. Discipline. Following through on the new small steps day in and day out. The word reminds me of a lifetime of failure.

It's essential, though.

What are some things you do to discipline yourself? To incorporate good practices into your life and get rid of bad habits?

stories

2011-04-10T17:07:00.004-05:00

A few months ago I read Donald Miller's newest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I like his writing because it has message and meaning but also room to breathe; he knows he's just a guy writing a book, not some enlightened guru, so it gives me permission to just be a girl reading a book rather than a desperately uninspired twentysomething.

This particular Don Miller book is mostly about stories. He doesn't just tell stories, he talks about what makes a good story and how he incorporated those principles into his life to make his life a better story. Sounds hokey, but it's pretty cool. A lot of the ideas end up being the same as other people that preach about being purpose-driven or goal-oriented or focused or whatever, but maybe that's the mark of a brilliant idea -- it comes up in all kinds of places and in all kinds of ways.

I like the idea of stories. But then, as I said, I spend a lot of time with books.

Don (I call him Don in my head, because he seems like just a bloke, even though when I met him in person some years ago I called him Mr. Miller because it seemed appropriate) defines the essence of a good story this way:

A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

Not terribly profound on its own, but it's certainly a pattern evident in all my favorites. Darcy and Elizabeth overcome pride and prejudice. The Jamaican bobsled team overcomes being broke and having John Candy for a coach. God wants to be in communion with humanity but has to make them righteous because they're full of sin and He's perfect.

I can look at my life thus far and see the chapters - the stories and the main conflicts, the resolutions that usually involved either profound spiritual revelation or a graduation day. As I ease into a new chapter, I'm reflecting. What stories am I in? What are the things I'm trying to do or get or become? What conflict do I need to overcome?

It's good to check the big picture once in a while, like looking at the box when working on a puzzle. If you study it for a while, and reference it often, you're much more likely to make some progress with the actual work.

So while I'm in this pause before whatever's next in my life, I'm thinking about defining my stories a little bit better. I want to have a reason for doing the things that I do. I want to notice when I'm facing conflict so I can respond purposefully rather than crumbling from the drama. And when I get to the points of resolution, I want to appreciate what it took and how God got me through.

It's fun to look forward to the future again.

adjusting

2010-10-28T15:30:00.000-05:00

Blue skies, white clouds, pine trees. Hot, humid. A hodgepodge of old and new buildings and ideologies. A fountain. Parking spaces with a name on each one. Would I fit in here? Could this strangeness become familiar, or even home?

Life is a bit erratic, like a stew (gumbo?) in which all the ingredients are disparate and you're not quite sure if the total effect is brilliant or off-putting.

It's late October in Louisiana. In northern terms, the weather is like early September, vacillating between Indian summer and morning chills. The trees haven't changed colors -- they're just looking anemic. There's a fresh blanket of dead pine on everything. Little bunches of needles fall like rain, and cause a wince when they hit your head.

Fresh apple cider is not available in stores.

Life here progresses at a different pace. Work gets done in fits and starts; change is slow. It's maddening when I'm highly-motivated and efficient, but nice when I'm tired. It's frustrating to not be able to work as well as I think I could -- there is so much to be done, and so much I'm capable of contributing. But I don't know the politics here, and I'm not my own boss. I can only do the work laid out for me as well as possible, and take advantage of the opportunities I have to stretch my legs once in a while.

Chitchat is an integral part of culture here. Everyone's warm and hospitable, at least on a surface level. "Sir" and "Ma'am" are standard. Sometimes meetings run long because we've heard a detailed history of someone's angina. Sometimes the person in the checkout line wants to know what skin care line you use. Sometimes the stylist at the salon wants to know whether you've considered surgery. But sometimes your new Bible study bakes you a cake when they find out you spent your birthday alone in a dorm room.

Life has settled down. I have a paycheck, a routine, a book club. The sunsets are gorgeous but come earlier every night; I know where to go to watch them. I've figured out which Healthy Choice meals I prefer at lunch time, and how long the library microwave takes to heat water for tea. I leave a jacket on the back of my chair at work. I know how far to turn the shower knobs to get the water to the right temperature. I found a coffee shop that's open past 9.

It's not quite home, but there's a little bit of home in the flowers my mom sends me sometimes. It's in the pictures around my room, and in the pages of my Bible. It's in the flavor of my tea, and the mug that someone gave me. I'm desperately lonely, but I'm not alone. It's not home yet, but I am hopeful.

here i am

2010-09-15T22:46:00.002-05:00

I've been both inspired and convicted by my friend's blogs lately. Inspired, because so many people have touching and funny and thoughtful and honest things to say. Convicted, because many have come forth from the slogs of non-posting blog-death boldly and shamelessly, and I haven't.

Well, until now.

So here I am again, and I won't even apologize for it. Except that I sort of just did. Ah, well.

I'm in a new town, living a new life, and figuring out how to be myself and serve God in an environment that is foreign in many, many ways. In the coming days and weeks look for posts about being a Yankee living in the deep south, (finally) being a librarian, and still seeking the One who's sustaining me as I figure it out. Or try to.

Speaking of which: I've been to about 7 churches since I moved here in August, and the whole church-shopping process has been pretty grueling. Most churches around here are very different than the churches to which I've been accustomed. More later, but it's been a while since I've been able to sink into congregational worship and bare my heart before God in that setting. This morning in chapel I finally got to sing a song that I know, one that stirs my heart and launches me into God's presence. The chorus is age-old and simple:

Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!

It's a shout of praise and adoration, and the wrenching cry from people who desperately need a savior. In the midst of all this seemingly endless transition, it's the cry of my heart.

Save me, save us, be the Savior again and still, Lord Jesus! And glory be to you, the Most High, the Worthy One. May your praise go on forever.

Hosanna!

the all-good

2010-01-25T16:20:00.002-06:00

Another prayer from The Valley of Vision.

My God,
Thou has helped me to see,
that whatever good be in honour and
rejoicing, how good is he who gives them,
and can withdraw them;
that blessedness does not lie so much
in receiving good from and in thee,
but in holding forth thy glory and virtue;
that it is an amazing things to see Deity
in a creature, speaking, acting,
filling, shining through it;
that nothing is good but thee,
that I am near good when I am near thee,
that to be like thee is a glorious thing;
This is my magnet, my attraction.

Thou art all my good in times of peace,
my only support in days of trouble,
my one sufficiency when life shall end.
Help me to see how good thy will is in all,
and even when it crosses mine
teach me to be pleased with it.
Grant me to feel thee in fire, and food and every providence,
and to see that thy many gifts and creatures
are but thy hands and fingers taking hold of me.
Thou bottomless fountain of all good
I give myself to thee out of love,
for all I have or own is thine,
my goods, family, church, self,
to do with as thou wilt,
to honor thyself by me, and by all mine.
If it be consistent with thy eternal counsels,
the purpose of thy grace,
and the great ends of thy glory,
then bestow upon me the blessings of thy comforts;
If not, let me resign myself to
thy wiser determinations.

(That's a hard thing to pray sometimes.)

last day

2010-01-22T07:00:00.000-06:00

Urbana 09 - Part VI

Thursday was so busy that I didn't write a blog post about it at the time, but here are some of the highlights as I remember them now:

1. Thinking about the solidarity dinner. For Wednesday's dinner we were served a meager portion of beans, pita, and water. It was not tasty. It was not filling. It did not quench my thirst. But it was a better meal than most of the people on this planet get in a day. I've spent some time thinking about that, and I've decided that the way I approach food needs to change. There is no reason why justice and thanksgiving should not be primary in the way I eat.

2. I went to another forum on homosexuality and the church. The man who spoke had compelling and well-researched points about how barriers between the LGBT community and the church have been built. He also has some great ideas about how we can build bridges between the communities. My thoughts about the issue of homosexuality have been changing... I wish I could present these ideas to my churches, and I wish there was a place for LBTQs in the congregations I attend.

3. I spent some time this afternoon in the reflective prayer room. God cemented my vision of who I am to be, and is helping me conquer my fear of His plans. I don't have much to say publicly about this -- but it was profoundly powerful, intensely personal, and is impacting everything.

4. I found a school in Albania that needs a librarian. We'll see.

5. Tonight I shared communion with 17,000 people, then rang in the new year with the biggest party I've ever been part of. We shouted and sang songs in all kinds of languages; we danced. At midnight we were all singing "I AM REDEEMED!" at the top of our lungs. And when the folks on stage finally persuaded us to leave, we spilled out onto the streets of St. Louis, still singing. It was a parade, a spectacle, and it was fantastic.

Living Word

2010-01-20T19:00:00.000-06:00

Urbana 09 - Part IV

Today’s highlights, in brief:

1. Studying about the Wedding in Cana with the 200 other members of my small group. Amazing insights. Much more there than I ever understood before, just layers and layers of God’s awesomeness. I love it when symbolism and prophecy from all over the Bible surprise me in a little story I thought I knew. I love the look on people’s faces when they see it come together, like a 2D picture that pops into 3D all at once.

2. A session on contemplation. The speaker led us through 14 different contemplative disciplines to try. He contrasted them in ways that intrigued me. He recommended lots of books. And he ended the session with a ten minute guided prayer time. Fantastic.

3. Both speakers tonight addressed the sacrifices we are called to make as followers of Christ. Sacrifices such as living generously, tending to our needs but being modest with our wants, and taking on the same humility that Christ took upon himself in the incarnation. I think I might buy the DVD of this session – ask me about it if you’re interested.

Tomorrow is a relatively open day at Urbana. Before asking us to make commitments tomorrow night, they have scheduled a whole afternoon for prayer, contemplation, and exploration of missions opportunities. I have yet to figure out just why God wanted me to come this week, but I’m looking forward to some kind of revelation.

about that

2010-01-19T20:30:00.001-06:00

Urbana 09 -- Part III

I’m beginning to understand the Urbana-is-life-changing thing. It’s slightly overwhelming.

Since this is a highlights reel and not a third-grade book report, here’s a bit about what is rocking my world:

The evangelism track of seminars includes a bunch of sessions about homosexuality and the way the church and gospel relate to GLBTQ people. One such session was led today by a conservative, fundamentalist Christian who has been living with gay people, immersed in gay culture, for the last ten years. He talked about how we should respond to the big questions: Was I born this way? Can I be gay and Christian? Am I going to hell? (and others). He spoke with more relevance, truth, and understanding, and with fiercer love, than I’ve ever seen anyone bring to the topic.

In some ways, the lessons I’ve been learning about loving gay people were reinforced. In other ways, my entire paradigm was rocked. I’m still processing it.

In our main session tonight, two speakers and a number of dancers and dramatists brought messages about displaced people groups and human trafficking. The statistics are worse than I could have imagined; the stories are more devastating than I can comprehend. Poverty. Slavery. Forced prostitution. Millions of lives. And but for the grace of God, I am one of them.

I’m not sure what decision this awareness will elicit in me, but I’m no longer satisfied with my former justice agenda of avoiding Wal-Mart – unless their prices were just too good to pass up. I don’t want my comfortable prosperity to rest on the shoulders of slavery and injustice.

One last thought: A speaker tonight suggested that we should live to be forgotten. That we should spend our whole lives lavishly for the gospel. That when people remember us, they should be able to see nothing but Jesus. In this celebrity and legacy-driven culture, the idea is intriguing.

Lots to think about.

He dwelled among us

2010-01-19T08:00:00.000-06:00

Urbana - Part II

I think the only criticism I have of Urbana so far is that I have a niggling doubt about that slogan. Is “dwelled” proper English? Somehow “dwelt” sounds more correct, but it’s probably one of those either-way things. I’ll check once the internet is back up at my hotel.

I’ve taken some time to look over the seminar booklet, and I’m having trouble choosing which to attend. There are 43 options during the first seminar time, and there are two seminars each day. Most of them do not repeat, so I’ve really got to choose. Here’s what I’ve narrowed it down to for today:

Advocacy 101: Advocacy for the Poor is Biblical
Practical Justice 101: Basic Strategies to Transform Your Community
Conversational Evangelism Tools
Homosexuality: Answering the Tough Questions on Sexuality
Serving Christ as a Professor: 10 Things You Need to Know
Towards a Biblical Understanding of Poverty

I wish ALL my friends and family were here, since I’ve picked out sessions for everyone: Mission to the Scientific World, Contemplatives in the Midst of Life, the Missional Church and Worship, even Water Sanitation in Community Development.

Can you tell I’m excited?

"it will change your life"

2010-01-17T22:57:00.002-06:00

This is the first in a series of posts written while I was at the Urbana 09 conference last month.

Urbana 09, Part I

I’m writing tonight from a well-appointed hotel room in the heart of St. Louis, MO. I can see the arch from my window, and my imagination flies to Tom Sawyer whenever I think about the river running below it.

I’m in St. Louis for Urbana, a huge missions conference that takes place here every three years. About 17,000 college-and-twenty-somethings are in town to spend a week learning about Christianity, global missions, justice, evangelism, and all kinds of related issues. There are entire seminar tracks about art and music, domestic poverty, justice, environmentalism, academia, and about fifteen other topics. 2/3 of the countries of the world are represented. Virtually every missions organization has a booth in the exhibition center.

Everyone says Urbana will change your life. I’m not really sure what that means for me, but I’m excited to find out.

The theme for Urbana this year is John 1:14, which happens to be one of my favorite verses of all time.

“God became flesh and made his dwelling among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only, who came down from the Father full of grace and truth.”

Poetry. Power. Life. And the word “dwelling,” which rocks.

Over the next five days, we’ll be studying John chapters 1-4 in large and small group sessions, hearing expositional sermons on each section, attending seminars, visiting themed lounges for people with varied interests, spending time in prayer rooms, hearing from missionaries and storytellers, exploring missions agencies and opportunities, and meeting with small groups – in my case my two roommates – to spend time discussing and praying about what we’re learning and hearing from God.

That’s the other thing that people say about Urbana – it’s like trying to drink from a fire hydrant.

I’m excited to worship with 17,000 believers. I’m excited to hear about what is going on in the world. I’m excited to be focused outside myself to the greater kingdom of God. And I’m excited about being challenged to participate in the kingdom in ways I’m not quite prepared for.

God became flesh and made his dwelling among us.

It doesn’t get much better than that. And yes, it’s going to change my life.

PS: And yes, I’m excited about all the books that are 25-75% off in the InterVarsity Press bookstore

new year

2010-01-01T18:32:00.002-06:00

Still processing Urbana. More from The Valley of Vision for today:

New Year

O Lord,

Length of days does not profit me except the days are passed in thy presence,
in thy service, to thy glory.

Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour,
that I might not be one moment apart from thee,
but may rely on thy Spirit
to supply every thought,
speak in every word,
direct every step,
prosper every work,
build up every mote of faith,
and give me a desire
to show forth thy praise;
testify thy love,
advance thy kingdom.

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with thee, O Father, as my harbour,
thee, O Son, at my helm,
thee, O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.

Guide me to heaven with my loins girt,
my lamp burning,
my ear open to thy calls,
my heart full of love,
my soul free.

Give me thy grace to sanctify me,
thy comforts to cheer,
thy wisdom to teach,
thy right hand to guide,
thy counsel to instruct,
thy law to judge,
thy presence to stabilize.

May thy fear by my awe,
thy triumphs my joy.

(Amen.)

new year's eve

2009-12-31T19:18:00.002-06:00

There's much to say about this week at Urbana: look for posts once I get my computer somewhere that has reliable internet connectivity.

For now, a prayer from The Valley of Vision:

O Love Beyond Compare,

Thou art good when thou givest,
when thou takest away,
when the sun shines upon me
when night gathers over me.
Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,
and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still,
in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.
Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
Whith thee as my blessed Pilot of my future as of my past.

I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.
If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,
thou wilt be with me in them;
If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and tempatation,
I shall not drown;
If I am to die,
I shall see thy face the sooner;
If a painful end is to be my lot,
grant me grace that faith fail not;
If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,
I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

Amen.

"...and somewhere along the way I fell in love with you."

2009-11-24T22:48:00.003-06:00

My dad got married last Saturday. There are lots of stories to tell, and there will be lots of pictures to share. The work of God in this weekend and this wedding and these two lives and families has been tremendous.

The wedding was light, and fun, but truly sincere. There was lots of laughter, and there was more honesty in the vows that my Dad and Jolene made to each other than I've ever heard in a wedding ceremony.

I hope to post snippets of the ceremony, including the vows, on Youtube sometime after I get my dad's permission. But I didn't want to wait in sharing this with you -- a transcription of what they said to each other as they promised to live with and for each other for the rest of their lives.

Glory to God.

John: Just over 12 years ago, I got divorced. I know that's a strange way to talk at a wedding, but after much grief and many years I still wondered: if I thought before that my choice for a bride was good for life and it wasn't, then if I ever made a similar decision, couldn't it be just as wrong? The answer is -- with all things equal, then yes, a similar decision could be just as wrong. So how unequal do things need to be before I'll be able to make a good and righteous decision about remarriage, if that were ever to become an option? I spent much time deciding under what conditions anyone should or shouldn't be married. Here, in part, is what I've come up with.

One should be out of the family home, living independently for two years, otherwise you just have no internal frame of reference upon which to measure your own maturity. One must have an active and healthy spiritual life, based upon ones own spiritual research rather than that of parents or friends. One must know from experience that they can and will follow through with a committment, even after new circumstances make it a much larger sacrifice than they originally expected. One must be able and willing to sacrifice freedom, wealth, and friends, for the right reasons. One must be prepared to nurse and care for an invalid for the rest of one's life without the support of a spouse, while still forsaking all others. This is the proverbial...the spouse get hits by a bus or a Mac truck (or a Peterbilt)... You're still married.

So that's maturity, a healthy spiritual life, committment, sacrifice, and willing servitude. In a nutshell, am I mature enough to know if I'm ready for a lifetime marriage committment to someone with a healthy relationship with Jesus Christ? And am I ready to willingly make whatever sacrifices are neccesary, even if my spouse loses the ability to move or communicate shortly after saying I do? And can I be objective enough and patient enough to discern those qualities in a potential mate? One is not ready to marry until both questions can be answered in the affirmative, without reservation.

So, to make a promise for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and health -- Well, for richer, good times and health, that's... duh. But to commit to love, devotion, loyalty, affection, and fidelity for poorer, bad times, and sickness... that's a more serious matter.

Let it be known that today I pledge to God himself that I commit to Jolene my love, devotion, loyalty, affection, and fidelity from this day forward -- for poorer, in bad times, and in sickness, so help me God.

So, help me God! Lord, if in your grace and mercy you send us some riches, good days, and health, I'd be mighty grateful. But may your will be done in our lives. Amen.

I, John Overhauser, take you, Jolene Maltbie, to be my wife -- regardless of circumstances, regardless of economics, regardless of health, until we are parted by death.

Jolene: When we first became friends, I wasn't really quite sure what your intentions were. The last thing in the world I was thinking about is... I don't need a relationship right now. So I felt that it was neccesary to inform you that the only thing I could offer you was a friendship, and that's it. You said , "Okay." As time passed on, and as our friendship grew, I learned that there was something about you... I was pulled in by your charm, your sense of humor, your genuine concern for others, and even more importantly your love for God and your desire to emulate the characteristics of our savior Jesus Christ.

And somewhere along the way I fell in love with you.

And it was I who later asked you, "Do you think that our relationship could go to the next step?" And you said, "You haven't given me permission to think about that! Can I think about that?" Well, we all know what the answer is, so... (laughter)

And it is a great joy to take you to be my husband. The decision to commit to share my life with you is one that I make happily, and with full confidence in our love, secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend and my faithful partner. I give to you, in the presence of God and all our friends and family, witnesses here today, my promise to stay by your side in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times and bad. I promise to respect you and love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve your goals, and laugh with you -- a lot -- and cry with you, and always be open and honest with you, and to allow God to use you to build His qualities in me.

And I know that along the way is going to be some new challenges that God is going to give us to face, and these challenges and responsibilities I cannot fulfill in my own strength, but by God's grace and by God's power working within me, it is my desire to fulfill my role as your wife beyond any measure that I can fulfill on my own. I thank God and praise God continually for you. And I thank you for your unconditional love and your devoted friendship.

And I, Jolene Kaye Maltbie, take you, John Albert Overhuser, to be my husband -- regardless of any circumstances, regardless of our economic status, regardless of our health, until death parts us.

solemn thanksgiving

2009-11-18T09:11:00.002-06:00

I'm having one of those mornings where everything seems weighty and grave. Perhaps it's the stress from packing and anticipating travel and a weekend of family and celebration. Perhaps all my lightheartedness got used up in one go last night at Yellow House, when I prayed a prayer so ridiculous that six girls were throwing pens and dying of laughter. Perhaps it's because I've gotten no sleep for all the coughing these last few days. Anyway, I'm solemn this morning.

Except for now that I've thought about all that laughter from last night, my solemnity is dissolving. But quick, here's the solemn thing I wanted to say:

There's a story in Exodus 17 about Moses, Joshua, and a battle. Joshua and his crew are fighting the Amelekites, and things aren't going well. God tells Moses to lift up his arms, and when he does, the Israelites start winning. But when Moses gets tired and his arms fall down, Joshua and the army start losing.

"When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side, one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."

It's an amazing, improbable, wonderful, and strange story.

Anyway, this has been a very strange season of my life, especially these last five or so months since graduation. I've been sitting around waiting for the future to start. It's been active, and passive, and difficult. There's not a whole lot I've been able to do, just a lot to be faithful to and to pray about, etc. I kind of feel like I've been standing here with my arms in the air, trusting that somehow standing with my arms in the air is going to make a difference.

You guys have been here for me, alongside me, helping me get through, like Aaron and Hur did for Moses. And I just wanted to say, with all my heart, thank you.

Thank you for the hugs and phone calls and facebook messages and blog comments. Thank you for the coffees and lunches and inside jokes. Thank you for offering me a bit of yourself for the sake of community. Thank you for speaking truth to me, lovingly, even when I've not wanted to hear it. Thanks for the encouragement, and accountability, and for humoring me when I've said and done things that have made you slightly uncomfortable. Thank you most of all for the prayers for me and for my family -- I know there are lots of people who pray for me and I don't even know about it, and that just floors me.

Bless you all. I'm asking God to rain lots of joy on you today, and peace, and grace. Bless you. I couldn't be who I am without you.

Thank you for holding up my arms.

on growing up

2009-09-02T13:07:00.002-05:00

Milo turned around and found himself staring at two very neatly polished brown shoes, for standing directly in front of him (if you can use the word "standing" for anyone suspended in mid-air) was another boy just about his age, whose feet were easily three feet off the ground.

"How do you manage to stand up there?" asked Milo.

"Well," said the boy, "in my family everyone is born in the air, with his head at exactly the height it's going to be when he's an adult, and then we all grow toward the ground. When we're fully grown up, or, as you can see, grown down, our feet finally touch. Of course, there are a few of us whose feet never reach the ground no matter how old we get, but I suppose it's the same in every family."

He hopped a few steps in the air, skipped back to where he started, and then began again.

"You certainly must be very old to have reached the ground already."

"Oh no," said Milo seriously. "In my family we all start on the ground and grow up, and we never know how far until we actually get there."

"What a silly system." The boy laughed. "Then your head keeps changing its height and you always see things in a different way? Why, when you're fifteen things won't look at all the way they did when you were ten, and at twenty everything will change again."

"I suppose so," replied Milo, for he had never really thought about the matter. "Would it be possible for me to see something from up there?" asked Milo politely.

"You could," said Alec, "but only if you try very hard to look at things as an adult does."

Milo tried as hard as he could, and, as he did, his feet floated slowly off the ground until he was standing in the air next to Alec Bings. He looked around very quickly and, an instant later, crashed back down to earth again.

"Interesting, wasn't it" asked Alec.

"Yes, it was," agreed Milo, rubbing his head and dusting himself off, "but I think I'll continue to see things as a child. It's not so far to fall."

i want to jump and run and shout and sing this to everyone and everything i see

2009-08-25T09:55:00.002-05:00

Oh sing to the Lord a new song;
sing to the Lord, all the earth!
Sing to the Lord, bless his name;
tell of his salvation from day to day.
Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous works among all the peoples!
For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised;
he is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are worthless idols,
but the Lord made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.

Ascribe to the Lord, O families of the peoples,
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength!
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
bring an offering, and come into his courts!
Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness; [1]
tremble before him, all the earth!

Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns!
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved;
he will judge the peoples with equity.”

Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice;
let the sea roar, and all that fills it;

let the field exult, and everything in it!
Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy

before the Lord, for he comes,
for he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness,
and the peoples in his faithfulness.
(Psalm 96)

tuesdays!

2009-07-24T16:06:00.007-05:00

For well over a year now, I've spent each Tuesday afternoon with the most wonderful three kids imaginable. They're fun, they're smart, they're energetic, they make me laugh, and they have made Tuesday afternoons one of the best parts of my week.

When we're not playing board games or running around outside or reading books, or building forts, we've taken to playing around with my computer.

You gotta love Macs, if only for Photo Booth:

Aren't they great?!?!?

Fun?!?!?

Adorable?!?!?

They've especially enjoyed playing with the PhotoBooth effects. May I present:

Caleb Bi-head:

Jake the somber superhero:

And Sad, Sad, Happy Luke:

Truth be told, I have fun with it, too:

taking notes in church

2009-07-22T10:53:00.003-05:00

On any given Sunday, my friends and I reveal our diligence as Christians and as students by taking out carefully chosen notebooks that reflect our personalities and taking notes of all the poignant, deep, and insightful things our pastor tells us.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling rebellious. So rebellious, in fact, that I left my pretty sermon-and-Bible-study-and-prayer notebook at home. Yes, it's true. I went to church without my notebook. In fact, I think I even went to church without my Bible. Oh, the rebelly rebel-full rebellious rebellion.

But then I heard something I wanted to write down.

It wasn't even something my pastor said. I don't think I even listened to the pastor that morning, as I was determined not to learn anything at all.

But the guy telling the children's story told a tale that captivated me despite my best efforts to stay aloof and hard-hearted. A found myself itching for my notebook. I reached for a pen. I scrambled for some paper. I scribbled on the first blank page I found.

Except it wasn't blank.

happy sigh

2009-07-11T11:31:00.004-05:00

True confession: I've been a Christian for more than a decade, and I'm not very good about daily Bible reading and "time with God." I pray a lot, I praise a lot. I really enjoy studying the Bible, be it in a group with discussion or inductively on my own. But I don't do it every day.

Until now. :-)

I finally figured out how to get myself actively reading and meditating on the Bible every day. Instead of trying to schedule time apart from 'the usual,' I'm adding it to 'the usual' by subscribing to an RSS feed. Now, along with my daily readings of Stuff Christians Like and Pioneer Woman, my Google homepage feeds me a link to a blog-like version of the ESV, divvied up into daily readings. (Check out daily readings and other RSS devotionals here, courtesy of the ESV people.)

It's simple. It's elegant. It's a reminder to breathe and eat the Word. And rather than feeling guilty that I didn't escape to my prayer closet for some heart to heart with the One I owe my everything to, I have this positive reminder to take a deep breath and drink up some Life.

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
(Psalm 4:8)

And the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning.
(Job 42:12)

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them, and suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken. And immediately all the doors were opened, and everyone's bonds were unfastened. When the jailer woke and saw that the prison doors were open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself, supposing that the prisoners had escaped. But Paul cried with a loud voice, “Do not harm yourself, for we are all here.” And the jailer called for lights and rushed in, and trembling with fear he fell down before Paul and Silas. Then he brought them out and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” And they said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.” And they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house. And he took them the same hour of the night and washed their wounds; and he was baptized at once, he and all his family. Then he brought them up into his house and set food before them. And he rejoiced along with his entire household that he had believed in God.
(Acts 16: 25-34)

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;
I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
I will be glad and exult in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
(Psalm 9:1)

Ahhhhh... There is just no way to get enough of this...

In Memoriam: Robert Eugene Beck

2009-05-31T23:32:00.010-05:00

I remember my grandpa as a a tall man, lanky, with brown skin from a lifetime of working in the sun. His knees turned out a little bit, and getting up and down always looked painful. Such is the life of an appliance repairman, fisherman, husband, father of seven, grandfather of fifteen (and counting). His chin was always scratchy with whiskers and his long fingers callused and stained black.

Grandma and Grandpa lived in a little yellow house not far from the highway. We knew to turn onto their street when the left side of the car dipped down in a hole that the city was never able to properly repair. The garage door lifted manually, and loudly enough to serve as a security system. Smooth dark concrete in the garage was cool on little feet that ventured out for a cold pop whenever Mom said it was okay, or wasn't watching. After dinner Grandpa would offer me his hand and I'd grasp the one finger my little fist could manage, and he'd take me out to the chest freezer and let me choose a treat. Flintstone Push-Up Pop, Orange, please.

Every summer Grandpa went fishing in Canada, a men-only trip upon which the women slowly encroached. It was father and sons, and later son-in-laws and grandsons, and fish for every meal. One wall of the living room was dedicated to pictures of proud dads an ecstatic sons holding strings of walleye and bass nearly as big as themselves.

Actual fish, mounted and hung among the pictures, made the adventure seem larger than life to my wide eyes. Canada stories were a staple to every family gathering, more prevalent even than Uncle Mike's potato bread or the family slide shows. I couldn't wait to be old enough to go fishing in Canada with Grandpa.

Potlucks were Memorial Day and Labor Day staples. Twenty, thirty, or more of us converged upon the little house as often as possible, and Grandpa spent the day with the barbeque. My cousins played football in the backyard, and we all took turns hand cranking the ice cream. When we needed a break, we slipped to the dark laundry room and played Card Sharks or Percy (a very early SIM), on Grandpa's Apple IIe.

After dinner, games of euchre broke out all over the house. Grandpa taught me how to play when I was eleven, counting cards and pointing out my errors with the wit of a devil and the patience of a saint. I knew I was grown up when I was invited to be the fourth in a game of euchre with Grandpa.

At Christmas, Grandpa would block the back door with a huge fresh cut tree. Elegant, hand-made ornaments from a trip to Germany looked funny in Grandpa's rough hands, but were beautiful in the glowing lights. Angie the Angel sat on top of the tree, beatific. Christmas potlucks were much the same as summer ones, with turkey and pie instead of barbeque and ice cream. Afterward, we'd sit all around the edges of the room and the smallest kids would hand out presents one at a time, asking Mom and Dad to tell them which person was Gregg, or Steve Jr., or Boo. The adult's gift exchange often turned ridiculous, with complicated wrapping jobs (think concrete and metal straps) leading to yet another exchange of the Ugliest Tie Ever. Grandpa and Grandma were always king and queen of that room. We paid our homage with hugs and kisses and respect.

Now that I'm older, I wish I knew more about what life was like for Grandpa when he was younger. What was it like to fight in Korea?

Or to have seven kids in a house with one bathroom and no money?

What was it like to fall in love with my grandma?

What was it like to wake up every morning for years after my grandma's heart diagnosis, wondering if it would be the last day? How did he get to be so brave, and still so loving?

I was fourteen when my grandpa died: old enough to have memories of his cancer diagnosis and sneaking our dog and a chocolate milkshake into his hospital room. But today, ten years later, I'm going to remember his huge, toothless grin when we walked in the door. I'm going to remember the way he laughed. I'm going to remember the way he I'm going to remember the way he called us little kids to scrape off the dasher even when we didn't help crank the ice cream. I'm going to remember how patient he was when I interviewed him for my eighth grade history project. And I'm going to remember what his hugs felt like.

Ten years isn't long enough to take away the sadness or the missing him. But God, thanks for Grandpa.

Long Obedience

2009-05-18T11:12:00.002-05:00

I'm just getting into Peterson's A Long Obedience in the Same Direction. This morning I read his commentary on Psalm 121, one of my favorites.

We live in what one writer has called the "age of sensation." We think that if we don't feel something there can be no authenticity in doing it. But the wisdom of God say something different, namely, that we can act ourselves into a new way of feeling much quicker than we can feel ourselves into a new way of acting. Worship is an act which develops feelings for God, not a feeling for God which is expressed in an act of worship. When we obey the command to praise God in worship, our deep, essential need to be in relationship with God is nurtured.

Good stuff.

...The words shalom and shalvah play on the sounds in Jerusalem, jerushalom, the place of worship.

Shalom, peace, is one of the richest words in the Bible. You can no more define it by looking up its meaning in the dictionary than you can define a person by his social security number. it gathers all aspects of wholeness that result from God's will being completed in us. It is the work of God that, when complete, releases streams of living water in us and pulsates with eternal life. Every time Jesus healed, forgave, or called someone, we have a demonstration of shalom.

And shalvah, security. It has nothing to do with insurance policies or large bank accounts or stockpiles of weapons. The root meaning is leisure--the relaxed stance of one who knows that everything is all right because God is over us, with us, and for us in Jesus Christ. It is the security of being at home in a history that has a cross at its center. It is the leisure of the person who knows that every moment of our existence is at the disposal of God, lived under the mercy of God.

Worship initiates an extended, daily participation in peace and security so that we share in our daily rounds what God initiates and continues in Jesus Christ.

Shalom!

Gems: Grandpa and Me

2009-05-17T15:49:00.008-05:00

Apparently one reason parents use the church library is to help broach difficult subjects with their children. We weeded out old books with titles like Why Can't Mommy and Daddy Afford It? and Wait, Babies Come from WHERE?? (not actual titles).

I understand that books can be very good tools in helping children understand the world. But sometimes... just... there are things a book can do, and there are things a book shouldn't attempt. Forgive me if this is in bad taste, and don't read it if you've suffered a recent loss, but when I saw this book in our church library I flinched. And not just because of the poor grammar in the title.

Let me share the story with you.

Maria goes to visit her grandparents at the farm. She learns about sheep and kittens.

Then Grandpa shows her a kitten.

Awww, so cute! Right? WRONG.

No, not the poor adorable kitty!

Maria buries the kitty.

Then Grandma teaches her about Jesus! (Please note this additional example of Jesus' clothes and stance being... awkward. I understand why Maria looks confused. But at least it makes Grandma happy!)

But the happiness can't last forever. This book is called Grandpa and Me: We Learn About Death, remember?

That's right.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Grandpa gets sick.

And Maria visits him in the hospital.

So many thoughts and feelings running through my head. I'll leave you to your own commentary.

Because Grandpa dies. And they bury him just like the kitten.

(Theoretically, he doesn't die lonely and in the hay, but the book isn't quite as explicit here.)

Maria is sad, so she goes back to the farm, eats apples, picks flowers, and kisses the Momma Cat whose baby died a few pages ago.

She asks Grandma about why Grandpa isn't coming back.

YAY!!!!!!!! That makes it ALL BETTER!!!!

The End.

(pun. giggle.)

Gems from the church library: Jesus the Good Shepherd

2009-05-15T15:48:00.006-05:00

Our church library has been around since the early 70s, and browsing through the shelves, you can definitely tell. This year, the library committee looked at every book and weeded out all the ones that haven't been checked out in 15 years, or that were just...well, you'll see.

We gave away almost all of these books a few weeks ago, desperately hoping they won't be re-donated after another 15 years of shelf-time on the bookshelves of church members. I snagged a couple good ones, like George MacDonald's The Princess and the Goblin, and a couple that were so awful that I wanted to bring them home and share them with you.

First up, by Sylvia Diamon and illustrated by Victor Mitchell:

It's a cute book, for 1976. Simple lessons about Jesus, with activity pages in between.

But oh, the illustrations.

Prepare yourself to meet the Jesus you never knew.

You're welcome to click on these images for a closer look.

I especially encourage it so that you can buy these shoes. And pants. Really, the whole ensemble.

I have so many things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to make fun of this without blaspheming.

So I'll leave it up to you. Comments welcome.

a little update on my plans

2009-05-04T16:46:00.002-05:00

Last Friday morning, as I got ready to surrender to sleep after burning the midnight oil with my last school project, I received an email from my school administrator.

The news? I'm not graduating.

Apparently somewhere along the way I got poor advising and/or didn't triple check my scheduling and/or was using the wrong audit sheet, and I'm actually two classes short of a degree.

I had prayed--lots of people had been praying--that I would be able to stay in Bloomington. As usual, God answered that prayer in a way I didn't expect.

So I'll be staying for at least the next seven or eight weeks (YAY!), and in the mean time I'm applying to lots of jobs here at IU, in the hopes that I can stay for another year (and get fee remission on any other classes). If you're a pray-er, would you pray that God would do something fantastic through all this?

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

As I prepare for the Summer, whatever it may look like, I've been gathering a list of reading and writing projects. I'll spare you the nuances, but if you have questions, comments, suggestions, or ideas for other things to add to the list, let me know!

Reading (obviously not a comprehensive list):

The Book Thief / Zusak
Spiritual Direction / Nouwen
The Return of the Prodigal Son / Nouwen
The Little Prince / Saint-Exupéry
The Hobbit / Tolkien
The Lord of the Rings (series) / Tolkien
Religion is a Queer Thing / Stuart
Real Sex / Winner
The Dream Giver / Wilkinson (I know, but it was recomended)
The awesome series that Christina is going to lend me
We Were the Mulvaneys / Oates (Saw her speak this year = excellent)
The Anarchist in the Library / Siva
The Harry Potter series / Rowling

...that should be a good start, at least for May.

I have lots of little blogging and writing topics, but the big one that I'll have to research: Christianity and the body. Gnosticism, fasting, eating, ritual, pleasure/pain, body-of-Christ, incarnation, healing?, creation/gender, body image, and the physical experience of life. If you have reading suggestions, please tell me about them!

Next up: Gems from the church library book give-away...

only let me see Your face

2009-04-29T11:29:00.003-05:00

I'm only on the sixth page of Augustine's Confessions. This book cannot be swallowed whole.

Oh, that I might repose on You! Oh, that You would enter into my heart and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills and embrace You, my sole good! What are You to me? In Your pity, teach me to utter it. Or what am I to you that you demand my love, and, if I do not give it, are angry with me and threaten me with grievous woes? Is it then a slight woe not to love You? Oh, for Your mercies' sake, tell me, Lord my God, what You are to me. "Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation" (Ps. 35:3). So speak, that I may hear. Behold, Lord, my heart is before You; open the ears of it, and "say unto my soul, I am thy salvation." After this voice let me run and take hold on You. Do not hide Your face from me. Let me die--for fear that I die--only let me see Your face.

the tables turned

2009-04-28T14:17:00.004-05:00

At the end of a semester,
with the beauty of Spring all around...

The Tables Turned

UP! up! my Friend, and quit your books;
Or surely you'll grow double:
Up! up! my Friend, and clear your looks;
Why all this toil and trouble?

The sun, above the mountain's head,
A freshening lustre mellow
Through all the long green fields has spread,
His first sweet evening yellow.

Books! 'tis a dull and endless strife:
Come, hear the woodland linnet,
How sweet his music! on my life,
There's more of wisdom in it.

And hark! how blithe the throstle sings!
He, too, is no mean preacher:
Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your teacher.

She has a world of ready wealth,
Our minds and hearts to bless--
Spontaneous wisdom breathed by health,
Truth breathed by cheerfulness.

One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man,
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things:--
We murder to dissect.

Enough of Science and of Art;
Close up those barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.


Wordsworth, 1798.

covered in the dust of the rabbi

2009-04-27T11:22:00.002-05:00

And if the rabbi believed that you were the best of the best, that you were able to become a rabbi, He would say, “Lech Acharai – Come, follow me.” And you would leave your family. You would leave your family compound. You would leave your village. You would leave the local synagogue where you had been studying. You would leave everything and you would follow that rabbi. You would become a talmudeen, a disciple, a student. You would give your life to being exactly like that rabbi. And you would follow him everywhere.

One of the Mishnah rabbis would tell disciples or students, “May you be covered in the dust of your rabbi.” Because you would have a rabbi come to the village and behind him would be these tamudeen following right behind him. And the roads were dusty. So these disciples who closely followed their rabbis would get covered with the dust of their rabbi.

You wanted to be so much like your rabbi that when your rabbi would pick up a piece of straw and put it in his mouth then you would. And you would follow this rabbi everywhere. Because the rabbi believes that you can be like him.

Please, please, read the whole thing.

ftw

2009-04-25T00:06:00.003-05:00

The other day I realized I'm old. I kept seeing people writing FTW! and FTL! all over the place, and I had no idea what they meant. It was LOLspeak that I haven't mastered.

So I looked it up.

FTW = For the win! Like the perfect last-second shot in a basketball game, or a sneaky move in Clue that allows you to make the accusation right before everyone else figures it out.

FTL = For the lose! It's the opposite. The last-second shot that misses. The stupid move that costs the game.

It puts me in mind of another I-Can-Has-Chezburger type phrase that's popping up all over the internet -- and sometimes in conversation.

FAIL (or FAILURE)= The appropriate label for most Funniest Home Videos, the thing said (or thought) when someone forgets the punchline of their joke, and the adjective that terrifies us all.

Failure.

In the last 48 hours I've realized that I'm about to graduate. Again. In less than a week I will have fulfilled all the requirements of my Master's program, and this time there is no fixed plan to keep on with any kind of schooling. I'm certainly not planning on another degree any time soon.

What this means is that playtime is over and the 'real' world is knocking. I need to get a job, start paying off the loans, and re-orient myself to a life where I'm defined by things other than my major.

And the spectre over my shoulder is that elusive whisper: Failure.

I might not be able to get work, or have to work something menial in order to make ends meet. I might never get a call from any of the jobs I apply for. I might have to move home. I might not make any progress toward anything now that I don't have the clearly defined goal of a degree. I might really screw up the opportunities that come along.

It's terrifying.

But then I remember the gospel. And my God, and His love, and His grace.

I'm going to screw it up, in one way or another. It's pretty much a definite. But I have a God who is never disappointed in me, who's love for me is endless, and who is in the habit of turning mistakes into miracles.

Because of Jesus, the big red "failure" label I fear will never be able to stick to me.

Jesus died and then rose again. And he's showing me how, too.

FTW!

sick day

2009-04-20T11:35:00.003-05:00

I've been out with a nasty flu-cold-thing for a few days. I've officially decided that being sick as an 'adult' is not nearly as great as being sick when you're a kid.

In my pre-tonsillectomy years, I often got strep throat twice a month, all winter long. There was a little glamor in going to the nurse's office, a little vindication that I wasn't faking it when her thermometer said I had a fever. Mom would buy "feel better pop" (ginger ale) and hard candy and popsicles to soothe my throat, and tuck me in on the couch with a blanket. It was the only time I ever got to watch "The Price is Right," and it was wonderful.

I'm glad that my parents were not of the "school or bed" variety when it came to sick days. They let me read, or play Super Mario, or watch TV, so long as I was resting. They nursed me until I was feeling better, then they helped me get back on track with my missed schoolwork. Granted, I wasn't the kind of kid to abuse their help, either -- I can only think of a couple times that I exaggerated illness to get out of school.

Anyway, today I'm thankful for my parents, and for the way they took care of me. And they're still taking care of me: just yesterday my mom and Frances spent 20 minutes suggesting soft foods I should get at the store and debating which would be the best medicine for me to take. They're awesome.

coming clean

2009-04-14T06:50:00.002-05:00

I have a little confession to make.

...

Prepare yourself.

...

I'm slightly obsessed with a website called The Pioneer Woman.

A city-girl who married a rancher and moved to the country writes it. The site includes a daily blog about life on the ranch, being a mother of four, and all the crazy and wonderful things that happen to her. She's got a blog about life, a blog about homeschooling, a blog about cooking (amazing!!), and a 43-chapter (so far) story of her romance with her husband, called Black Heels to Tractor Wheels. Oh, and for good measure, blogs about photography and home/garden, as well.

Since she's a photographer, all her blog posts are photo-heavy and generally quick to read. And delightful.

This morning at breakfast I read some fantastic blog posts: Mateo's most recent Twilight one (hysterical, I guffawed), a great 22 Words post about funny-sounding words, SCL, and three Pioneer woman posts.

But this one made my heart absolutely sing, because I have been every single kid in the post, as well as the one watching out the window.

Read it.

Delight.

And then call me, and we'll get together and be tightrope walkers in Duluth, or bungee jumpers in El Salvador, or (haha) vampires in Oregon.

It'll be fun!

george herbert: the passion

2009-04-10T18:07:00.000-05:00

Since blood is fittest, Lord, to write
Thy sorrows in, and bloody fight;
My heart hath store; write there, where in
One box doth lie both ink and sin:

That when sin spies so many foes,
Thy whips, thy nails, thy wounds, thy woes,
All come to lodge there, sin may say,
No room for me, and fly away.

Sin being gone, oh fill the place,
And keep possession with thy grace;
Lest sin take courage and return,
And all the writings blot or burn.

greatest commandment

2009-04-06T23:13:00.002-05:00

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. (Mark 12:30)

What would it be like to love God with all of my mind? Probably it would involve lots of conscious praise and worship, and certainly being very careful to only dwell on things that are pleasing to Him. (You know, the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, excellent stuff ala Phil 4:8)

Moreover, it would involve something akin to Brother Lawrence's practice of God's presence, doing everything (EVERYTHING) out of love for God. Peeling potatoes out of love for God. Getting on the bus out of love for God. Straightening my hair out of love for God. Going to bed before 2 AM out of love for God.

(Or maybe God wouldn't have me straighten my hair for Him at all. Kind of vain. But he might let me anyway, because he's so gracious, and if I tried to do it out of love for Him I bet it would make Him smile.)

Anyway, when I think about stuff like living according to the first commandment, I don't have a hard time imagining what it might be like. And in my imagination, it's pretty awesome. Living by the Spirit, buddy-buddy with God all the time, super-Holy-Spirit-power for resisting sin, hearing the voice behind me saying "This is the way, walk in it."

Thing is, I've got no discipline. And a very sinful heart. And the loving, motherly control-freak helper in me wants to boil it down into simple steps that a dunce like me could maybe follow:

Wake up in the morning, and sing songs of praise right away. Leave a post-it on the alarm clock so you don't forget and snooze too long. Take an extra few minutes to pray about the day's schedule.
Read the Bible over a bowl of oatmeal and cup of tea. You'll be glad you did.
Write 3x5 cards and post-its of all the great, inspiring, convicting Bible verses you want to learn. If you see them every time you look in the mirror/kitchen cabinet/trunk of the car, they'll surely sink in eventually.
Have a negative thought? Make up for it by counting at least three to six blessings.
Count some more blessings: you'll feel happy and God will feel like you're appreciative.
Act like a Christian should. If a Christian shouldn't do it, neither should you. No lying, cheating, gossiping, lusting, or manipulating, and non-holy-word swearing is only allowed in pre-screened company and only for the expression of the strongest feelings.
Pray some more. Pray constantly. Don't just think, think in the presence of God. Keep part of your heart always, always worshiping. Monitor this.
Find the good in everything and remember how lucky you are. If you stub your toe, be thankful you have a toe to stub and a nervous system that can relay sensations to your brain and a brain that can interpret the pain. See? It was a blessing after all.

...I just realized I'm perseverating. Sorry. (Yes, I live with that in my head ALL THE TIME.)

Anyway, sometimes it's hard to remember that loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength isn't about doing what I think I should do. It's not about the rules or non-rules or perceived rules or general Christian guidelines. God is not an idea of holiness or righteousness. He's not an ideal. God is the I AM, a Person, a Being. He's relational. And He is a Living Holiness, a Living Righteousness, a Living Ideal, a Living Love.

I may have to fall back on doing things because I should, but those shoulds only exist to catapult me back into loving, Loving, LOVING my Jesus.

I don't want to honor Him because I should this week.

I want to honor Him because HE IS.

oh, there He is

2009-03-27T23:39:00.002-05:00

Last Sunday I had a knock-down drag-out with my old foe Depression, and I took quite a beating. He's haunted me all week, mostly with the question "Where did God go?" and "How can you trust Him when He's not taking care of you?"

Since I've been very cognizant of the depression this week, I've been able to reach out for help. Many thanks to those of you who talked with me, prayed with me, encouraged me, hugged me, and/or decided to love me despite the fact that I've been crazy and irrational. I appreciate you.

I've been falling apart, unable to handle anything, and not wanting to try. I spent at least three days holed up in my room, accomplishing next to nothing. Yet there were times this week that I had to be strong, when people needed me to speak truth, pray with authority, and be a spiritual leader. I found that depression wasn't able to steal away my core of faith. In the midst of the darkness, God showed me that my belief in Him has grown and convinced me that it can never be stolen away.

Tonight I figured out where God is. He showed himself again, and I'm prostrate, tears-in-my-eyes grateful. I doubt that this will be the end of the short- or long-term battle with depression, but with the eyes of my heart open to God's guardianship of me I am no longer afraid of the battle.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost... As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Amen.

my life in a nutshell

2009-03-18T01:07:00.003-05:00

While packing for this little trip home, I worked very hard to be reasonable. Not including my computer, journal, or planner, I brought only three books with me. I was proud of that.

My luggage didn't make my connecting flight, so my mom and I went shopping while we waited for my bag to arrive in Buffalo. We came across a bookstore -- one that was going out of business. Everything was 80% off. We spent $100. I bought at least a dozen books.

Last night, a book on my father's coffee table caught my attention. I picked it up, leafed through it, read a couple pages in the middle. I asked to borrow it, and I'm about halfway through now.

Three books, twelve books, and the one I end up reading.

Ridiculous.

22 words

2009-03-10T16:46:00.003-05:00

I've started reading a wonderful blog called 22 words, wherein the author's posts about life and Christianity are never more than the specified length. It wasn't until he posted about how he learned things about his father by reading an interview that I realized who he is: Abraham Piper, John Piper's son.

Today his post was this fabulous question:

How accurate were your younger self's ideas about your older self's life?

I highly recommend reading through the sixty or so comments posted so far. They are eye opening and encouraging.

And I pose the same question to you. How is your life the same or different than you thought it would be?

tangible

2009-03-10T01:59:00.002-05:00

In the awesome sermon Pastor Bob gave last semester about why to choose God instead of sin, he mentioned that Christians are never really satisfied.

What he meant is that we are never really satisfied here on Earth, because until we're completely sanctified and united with Jesus, we're just... incomplete. It is right for us to yearn for Christ, to be left thirsty for more. Dan often quotes the opening lines of Augustine's Confessions:

...thou hast made us for thyself and restless is our heart until it comes to rest in thee.

Lately my struggle has been trusting that God will satisfy me.

I'm starting to learn to look to Him rather than my old vices for comfort. Now, to be clear, the old vices are only comforting in the short term. They induce chemical changes in my body in one way or another that placate me, but after that wears off or my conscience kicks in, I'm left bereft.

With God, I get the comfort in the long run -- eventually finding things to be thankful for, eventually worshiping, eventually getting the joy back and finding consolation. But honestly, I often don't feel like God is doing anything about meeting my needs in the short term. When everything seems gray and hopeless, I want to hear His voice, to see His face, to feel God's loving arms in one way or another. Often what I get is growing loneliness and keen awareness that my faith is too small.

I spoke to a friend about this the other day, asking for prayer that I'd be able to keep turning to God even when I don't have any tangible feeling that He's there and taking care of me. She agreed to pray, but left me with this challenge:

What if He's giving you what you need, but what you need isn't a tangible response?

In some ways this is obvious, because if God is who He says He is and I need a tangible response, He'll give it to me. But it's kind of scary, thinking that God would ask me to let go of all the things that bring me comfort and turn to Him...but then just silently leave me there, hurting.

He's God. If that's what He wants, then I'll deal with it. It'll probably build my character. Maybe later on I'll even break down and be thankful for it.

But it just sucks when you know God's the answer, the reason for it all, and the one that loves you best, and He chooses to hide Himself.

I want to know, not just believe.

I long for God Himself, not just more faith.

Faith, hope, and love. I'm looking forward to the day when we won't need faith or hope anymore.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
(1 cor 13)

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
(Rev 22, C. Bronte, and me)

happy much?

2009-03-08T23:38:00.004-05:00

I get a kick out of participating in research studies, and I just signed up for this one about personal well-being after reading a blog about it. Lots of questions about your happiness and your attitudes toward life.

Christians have lots of philosophy about happiness.

Some say you shouldn't be concerned with it -- that happiness is just an emotion and it's not very important compared to reliable fruits of the spirit like 'joy.' Others think happiness is integral to Christian life because God has graced us with good gifts and He is glorified when we enjoy them.

Probably one or both of these groups is right. We can talk some other time about delayed gratification, and righteousness that leads to joy, and how we're so depraved we don't even know what will satisfy us. I don't really feel like thinking about it.

I like being happy.

When happy moments come, like in worship at Connexion or while hanging out at the playground with friends, laughter, and warm late-night breezes, I try to savor them. I'm not the best at the heavier stuff, the righteous choices and all, but when I'm sitting with a friend and a cup of tea, or settling in with a good book, or plotting a fun surprise for someone special, or giggling about broadway arms, shiny shirts, vampires in baseball uniforms, twinkling eyes, finding Waldo, or the numbers one through nine, life is great.

Does happiness matter to you? What has made you happy lately?

i cannot wait to name my children

2009-02-23T09:59:00.002-06:00

Stuff Christians Like was amazing today, but even more amazing was the referenced entry about naming children after LOTR characters.

But I actually laughed aloud at this comment, one of the best awful name stories I've ever heard:

I knew a guy in college named Okay Dok. Introductions were killer. "This is my friend, Okay." "Sure, okay, he's your friend, but what is his name?" He figures that his dad named him Okay out of bitterness because dad had to go through life with the name Donald Dok.

Hahahaha.

Have you decided what you want to name your kids? How will you choose?

testimony

2009-02-22T00:02:00.003-06:00

Do testimonies give people unrealistic expectations about life with God?

The traditional evangelical formula for sharing 'your story' of 'what God's done in your life' consists of :

A) Talking about what life was like B.C., dwelling especially on the nasty bits and heartache
B) Talking about how God got your attention and what made you finally crack and believe
C) Talking about how all the nasty bits and heartache have been transformed by God, preferably with a demurring 'I'm not perfect but God's grace is sufficient' thrown in.

It's not a bad thing, this formula. The stories, ALL of them, are amazing testimonies to what God has done. We should learn to share them and share them widely. It's just that testimonies always seem to end with a big red bow: God changed my life and he can change yours. As if it's all past tense.

I'm just thinking that sometimes life A.D. is still pretty messy. Accepting the gift of salvation was not the same as accepting a life of personal perfection, only a personal, perfect God. If my testimony is all past tense, something is seriously wrong. And making it seem that way seems like false advertising.

Maybe we need to start sharing testimonies of how God keeps saving us. Of how yesterday, or this morning, or five minutes ago I sinned but now I've repented and God's forgiven me and is helping me not go there again.

Maybe the frenetic humility and exaltation of the gospel belongs in every nook and cranny and minute of life.

Maybe the fact that just considering that freaks me out is something I can talk to God about, and have redeemed, and then tell a story about tomorrow.

Two things I know: Jesus saved me. And I still need Jesus to save me. This is one girl whose 'testimony' is not over yet.

walked in the rain tonight...

2009-02-10T23:30:00.002-06:00

...and this has been in my head all day long.

Emily Dickinson, c. 1861

Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!
Futile – the Winds –
To a Heart in port –
Done with the Compass –
Done with the Chart!
Rowing in Eden –
Ah, the Sea!
Might I but moor – Tonight –
In Thee!

slow learning

2009-02-10T00:06:00.002-06:00

Tonight at CGroup we talked a little bit about the way things grow. The farmer sows and reaps, but in between exercises no real control over the growth.

I think there are truths in my life which have been planted but are taking their own sweet time in really growing. Perhaps I need to cultivate them more... And perhaps there's an element of waiting on the fullness of time for each lesson.

But these past few weeks have been difficult ones for me: much is changing, and I'm having to hold more loosely than I'd like to things and people that I love. In the past, I defended myself by retreating into old vices and hardening my heart. This time, so far, by the grace of God alone, I'm clinging to Jesus and finding that He's enough.

It's kind of cool to think that I might finally be learning how to deal with hard times. Asking for prayer. Calling my dad. Turning up the bass in my car. Shouting bits of Psalms when I need strength. Crying a little when I can. Remembering that Jesus is with me, and imagining that He's literally here in the flesh beside me. Counting my blessings, admiring God. Playing the piano. Enjoying the blissful blankness of sleep but still getting up each morning. Taking each moment as it comes, appreciating it for what it is, without forgetting to hope in a future without any tears.

Even when life is hard, life can be good.

I'm learning slowly. But I'm learning.

Hymn

2009-02-03T22:32:00.002-06:00

Much upon which to meditate herein.

Speak, O Lord, as we come to you
To receive the food of your holy Word
Take Your truth, plant it deep in us
Shape and fashion us in Your likeness
That the Light of Christ may be seen today
In our acts of trust and our deeds of faith
Speak, O Lord, and fulfill in us
All your purposes for Your glory

Teach us, Lord, full obedience
Holy reverence, true humility
Test our thoughts and our attitudes
In the radiance of your purity
Cause our faith to rise, cause our eyes to see
Your majestic love and authority
Words of power that can never fail
Let their truth prevail over unbelief

Speak, O Lord, and renew our minds
Help us grasp the heights of Your plans for us
Truths unchanged from the dawn of time
That will echo down through eternity
And by grace we'll stand on Your promises
And by faith we'll walk as You walk with us
Speak, O Lord, 'til Your Church is built
And the earth is filled with Your glory.

Many thanks to Jeremy for introducing me to this one, and for sending me the tabs.

Guilt

2009-02-02T08:00:00.000-06:00

To what extent should a Christian experience guilt?

We're washed by the blood of Christ, so our offenses are not counted against us. We are forgiven. The transgressions, both obvious and hidden, are wiped clean. Grace is thorough.

BUT

Admission of guilt is part of the process. Experiencing and submitting to the gospel requires a humility of conscience, an understanding of our sin. We must comprehend the gravity of our crime -- it fuels repentance. Without an appreciation of our guilt, grace becomes cheap.

So how can we hold these concepts in tension? How can we be mindful of both our sinfulness and our salvation? How do we keep from falling into a pit of self-condemnation when conviction fills our hearts? How do we walk in the freedom of Christ without abusing the very liberation He died for?

Mikvah

2009-02-01T08:00:00.002-06:00

I've sometimes blogged about the church traditions that I love. The richness and symbolism of high worship amazes me.

There is even more to be discovered in the richness and symbolism of Judaic tradition, especially that which was birthed out of not the Talmud but the Law. A novel I read last week, Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt (Anne Rice) gave me a new vision of some of these traditions.

The one that really struck me was about the mikvah. I learned about the mikvah when I read Lauren Winner's Girl Meets God. A mikvah is a pool or bath used by Jews for ritual purification. One would completely submerge oneself in the water before going to the temple, after an illness, or at other times when it was necessary to be 'clean.' For Lauren Winner, the mikvah was a central part of her conversion to orthodox Judaism: she entered the mikvah as a Gentile, and after three immersions she arose a Jew.

But oh, the riches of the tradition! One requirement of the mikvah is that the water not be stagnant. At the very least, mikvahs have small drains in the bottom to keep the water flowing. Because, you see, the water must be living water. Living Water.

That which Jesus offered to the Samaritan woman was already vividly imaged in the tradition of the Jews. In Jesus was the fulfullment of all the Law and Prophets. Each time I see another facet of this phenomenon, I am struck dumb by the majesty of God.

(And to think I get excited about how the creators of LOST planned a complete storyline that included hints and details from the very beginning. Ha.)

Little lessons

2009-01-31T20:25:00.002-06:00

A couple little lessons over the last few days. Not new ones, but good ones.

1. Where God is, I am home. He is in me, I am in him. When I remain aware of this, the depth and riches of life with God astounds me. Sin is easier to resist, purposeful living seems natural, and discontent disappears.

2. I was made to love and serve God, and to love and serve the people around me. There are people who can't or won't listen to God. But they may listen to me. I am meant to stand in the gap: speaking God's words, and interceding for the people. It's a thrilling call to service. It is also nearly impossible without #1. (And just for laughs, how great is it that this is the call on the life of a two??)

Really Good blog post

2009-01-23T08:56:00.002-06:00

Not mine, silly!

I just read a fabulous post over at 97secondswithgod, the guy who writes StuffChristiansLike. Here's the original, but I suggest you go over to the actual blog site because some of the comments are very good, too.

Hiding in Fields

I think there are a few things I'm supposed to be doing right now, one of which is writing more. I feel that 97secondswithGod, prodigaljon and stuffchristianslike, are what God wants me to focus on right now. But for a variety of reasons, all three of those sites only constitute a thin sliver of my week.

It's easy to get frustrated about that. To think, "Ugh, I have a call, I have an idea of the direction I'm supposed to be going, why am I not going at the speed I want to?" Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever thought, "I'm not were I'm supposed to be right now. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I have more to give."

Maybe not, but that's where I'm at this morning. And while praying through that I felt like God reminded me that He's still in the business of hiding people in fields.

Which is a weird kind of reminder, but when I looked at the story of David in 1 Samuel it made sense. David didn't just receive a call or a suggestion or a "what if" from God, he was anointed King of Israel. In 1 Samuel 16:13, after he's anointed, it says, "from that day on the Spirit of the Lord came upon David in power. And then he went back to tend some sheep."

It doesn't say that last line but it should, because that's what happened. The rightful king of Israel returned to the field. Even when David becomes a member of Saul's court, it says in 1 Samuel 17:15 "but David went back and forth from Saul to tend his father's sheep in Bethlehem."

It's easy to look at our lives and think, "Why am I working here God? Why am I a part of this church or this ministry or this whatever? I should be doing great things for you! I should be starting a new, all consuming adventure with you. Right this second!"

But I think that sometimes, out of His infinite love and wisdom, God chooses to hide us in fields. Why? I don't know. Maybe he wants us to wrestle more bears before we face Goliath. Maybe He's got a really important message He wants to whisper to us and it can only be heard in the loneliness of a field. Maybe Job 23:9-10 answers this question better than I ever could:

"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."

Maybe God has you in a field because He wants to introduce you to the world as gold.

I don't know, but I rest in the fact that I serve a God that does. I rest in the fact that I serve a God that knows exactly where I am and has a purpose for that unique spot, whether it's a field or a kingdom, a mission field or a corporate meeting.

Amen.

the benediction

2009-01-21T16:15:00.002-06:00

Aside from Warren praying " in the name of the one who changed my life – Yeshua, Isa, Jesus,

Jesús," I think this was absolutely the best:

God of our weary years, God of our silent tears, thou, who has brought us thus far along the way, thou, who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met thee, lest our hearts drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee.

Shadowed beneath thy hand, may we forever stand true to thee, oh God, and true to our native land.

We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we’ve shared this day.

We pray now, oh Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration.

He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national, and indeed the global, fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hands, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations.

Our faith does not shrink though pressed by the flood of mortal ills.

For we know that, Lord, you are able and you’re willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds, and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor, of the least of these, and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.

We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that yes we can work together to achieve a more perfect union.

And while we have sown the seeds of greed — the wind of greed and corruption, and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.

And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.

And as we leave this mountain top, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will.

Bless President Barack, First Lady Michelle. Look over our little angelic Sasha and Malia.

We go now to walk together as children, pledging that we won’t get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone.

With your hands of power and your heart of love, help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nations shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid, when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around … when yellow will be mellow … when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen.

(Transcript from the AP)

Love it. And while I watched most of the inauguration from Kilroy's with my CGroup girls, we watched this last bit at the PourHouse, and the looks on the faces around me for that last paragraph were just priceless.

Calvinists Gone Wild!

2009-01-13T20:24:00.004-06:00

I stayed with my "adopted" family over break, and so much do they consider me family that they kicked me out of the guest room and onto the couch so they could host "real" guests for New Year's.

The guests were Joelle and her betrothed, Jeff. Joelle is an old friend of Renee's, one about whom I've heard lots of hysterical "when we were teenagers at Wesleyan summer camp" stories. Renee has always described Joelle as a crazy liberal because she "doesn't believe in hell" and eschews gendered pronouns when talking about God.

After a lovely family dinner, the kids scattered and Renee began to grill Jeff to find out if he is as crazy as Joelle. As the conversation progressed, I began asking questions, too. An edited overview:

Q: So Jeff, are you as weird as Joelle? Do you believe in hell or not?
A: Well I don't really think that hell is a place. I think hell is separation from God. I don't think we can say for sure that the afterlife is a place. And I don't really think there's a need for hell.

Q: Do you believe in heaven?
A: Like I said, I think that we are resurrected into God's presence after we die, but I don't necessarily think that we'll have bodies or form as we understand them now. So no, I don't really believe in heaven the way you mean the word.

Q: What do you mean by 'there's no need for hell'? What about sin?
A: The Bible talks about the elect being the ones God has specially chosen, but we're all God's children. God doesn't love some of us more than others. We're all part of the elect. Everyone is saved, no matter what choices they make.

Q: So you believe that all people are fully sanctified when they're resurrected into God's presence after death?
A: Yes.

Q: So then what's the point of following God now?
A: Well, it's a good way to live. It makes God happy; we live righteously to please God and be in relationship with God.

Q: Okay, if we're all going to be perfect and with God after death, what was the point of Christ?
A: Christ came to teach us about God. He also came to teach God about us: God didn't fully understand what it was like to be human until he became one, just like you can't understand what it's like to be a parent until you are one.

Q: So you say Christ came to teach us about God. If he hadn't come, would that have changed the fact that we'll all be resurrected and sanctified with God in the afterlife?
A: That's an interesting question. No one's ever asked me that before. I'd have to think about it.

Q: Just for kicks, am I right in thinking that you'd say that sanctification and homosexuality have absolutely nothing to do with one another?
A: Yes.

That's about where the conversation got cut off. My next question would have been "Do you think that other revelations of God, in Muhammad and Buddha and such, are on equal footing with the revelation that came through Christ? My guess is that he would say yes, because his son was quite vocal about how Muslims, Jews, and Christians all worship the same God.

Q: What was the scariest part of this conversation?
A: Jeff and Joelle are both pastors in a mainline Christian denomination.

Women

2009-01-10T11:37:00.002-06:00

I've had some conversations about women lately. Women as friends, women's ministries, women as singles and girlfriends and wives. The irritating way women laugh and sigh together in large groups when someone tells a story about a child. The moments like in Sleepless in Seattle where Meg Ryan and Rosie O'Donnell finish the quote together about the refrigerator with the big red bow.

My mom has a group of friends, the "Udders," who collect cow-themed kitsch, vacation together, and always meet to play Canasta during the Superbowl, pausing only long enough to watch the commercials. She also has the "Yas," a small group of post-Girl-Scout friends with whom she shares motherhood and middle age and life.

I don't have my well-defined groups yet, and I don't really see the need for titles. But I've got my B-ton girls, and my girls from undergrad with whom we always have to share at least two nights--one with husbands, one without. My hometown friends have scattered, but they're always there.

All this reflecting is really just me being thankful. And it was inspired by this video, which made me cry but was totally worth the five minutes.

All things work together

2009-01-02T18:22:00.002-06:00

Back when my life was really really crummy, when I walked around waiting for the next giant shoe to drop and glowering at God for engineering the deconstruction of my world (in other words, in middle school), my biggest question was Why?

Back when I wrestled with Nietzsche in the mornings, watched protesters bash my country in the evenings, slept through as much of life as possible but was always awoken by the friend who's existential crisis was worse than mine, my biggest question was Why?

When my loved ones die, when I hear about world news, when I observe the hurting lives of people that are precious to me, it's the same thing. Why?

Why is this happening?
Why are You letting this happen?
Why, if you are good and loving and worthy of my worship, is the world like this?

I really mean: Don't You care? How am I supposed to believe that You are who You say You are when the world isn't the way You say it should be? How can I trust a "good" God if my life when I'm with Him doesn't strike me as very "good"? Why would I follow a God like that?

We've all been there. When we ask people about it, the answer is usually something about free will, about how God lets the world get crappy because he gives us each the ability to make our own choices. It doesn't comfort me very much.

When I ask God about it, his answer is usually something like "I love you." Depending on my level of patience, that may or may not feel helpful. (As I've posted before, forcing myself to be thankful helps my attitude in that situation.)

My dear Renee used to tell me over and over how we just have to wait, that God makes good on his promise to work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) In the middle of a crisis, it's easy to sneer at that. But a little life experience has taught me that God's good to keep that promise. I can see the way he's done it simply by reading my Bible... stories of Him working good from people's crap is all over Israel's history, and it's pretty much the key theme of Jesus' death and resurrection.

But honestly, sometimes it helps just as much or more to look at my own life and think about how he's turned my own circumstances into good. Salvation, yes. Also the way I've been able to minister to people in rough circumstances because I've literally gone through those same rough circumstances. Even the way I've become one of those awkwardly blunt people who're not afraid to talk about pretty much anything. The way I've learned to deal with things head-on, at least much of the time. I am the person I am because of the crap I've gone through. And also because God is the one who got me through all of it, and who has used me since then to minister to people.

I met a friend today who is in the middle of asking all of those Whys. And today I'm thankful that I've lived long enough and been given faith enough to see and believe in the Light at the end of that tunnel.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T00:21:00.002-06:00

Sorry if you were looking for a New Year themed post, but this isn't it. Happy New Year, though.

I've been reminded lately of how much music helps give a voice to my thoughts. It also reminds me of truth at times when I'm deaf to the words of the Bible, my teachers, and my friends.

Lately my fall-back comfort tunes have been the reassuring ones like "Oh, How He Loves Us." A great tune. I recently rediscovered Skillet, too, and while my friend Flora and I drove and talked from Indy to Buffalo, we listened to their self-titled album at least six or seven times. Over the last couple days, chock full of the thick drama that is life at home, I've had their song "Safe With You" on repeat. So here are some awesome lyrics for your perusing pleasure, and if you're in the mood for a listen, check out the song too.

Learning inside
I will be safe with you tonight
You cause the smile
And the teardrops in my eyes
Locked inside your every movement
Will I stand or will I fall?
Trapped inside of your walls of glory
I am just as dead leaves fall

Safe with you
Safe with you

Chaos in my head
The whole universe is at rest
When I'm in your arms
Is when I feel the best
Locked inside your creative being
Whirling about your unfailing truth
Attacked with power by ferocious love
Salvation alone belongs to you

Safe with you
Safe with you

Lifting up my voice
To the God who really sees
The God who is consumed
With loving thoughts of me
The screaming winds
And the crashing of the oceans
Shifting sands and the changing of the seasons
As I stand in awe and wonder
Nothing in the world has prepared me for you!

Jesus, Jesus, I'm safe with you

Stay tuned for thoughts on a very interesting conversation I had on New Year's Eve. Calvinism revisited, with rather startling conclusions. Fun, fun, fun!

Christmas lights

2008-12-28T12:30:00.002-06:00

One of my favorite childhood Christmastime traditions was piling into the car and driving around town to look at Christmas lights and decorations. We drove slowly through the neighborhoods nearby, and always at least once through the village, where the old houses on Church Street had candles in every window and wreaths on every door. And Main Street was always lit with the most beautifully draped white lights, running through the trees and framing the street like a picture.

But even more than the outside decorations, I loved our Christmas tree. Every year we trudged through a nearby farm to choose just the right one. We'd argue and holler and leave hats and gloves behind so we could come back to this tree or that one, because it was the BEST one. Finally Dad would flop on the ground and saw away, and by late that evening we'd have a stately evergreen in the corner by the fireplace.

We weren't a matchy-matchy kind of family... rather than garlands and bows, we decorated out tree with memories. Every ornament had a story. The glass ballerina was from my second year of dancing, and I always hung it just right, surrounded with pink Christmas lights to make it glow. The Minnie Mouse and Pluto ornaments went near the bottom of the tree, so we could pull the strings and watch them click their heels. Baby's first Christmas, matchbox car ornaments, a string of Phantom of the Opera scenes (relics of my obsessed years)... every year Mom gave us a new ornament to commemorate something special. It was a tree chock full of life. And Angie the Angel sat on top, candles glowing in her hands, smiling peace over it all.

I remember one night, a night after a difficult day. I might have been ten years old. It was my last Christmas of family peace, but I didn't know that yet. I couldn't sleep and in the middle of the night I crept down the hall and into the living room, plugging in the Chrismas lights and snuggling with a blanket in Dad's big gray recliner. I gazed at the tree and thought about the memories, then the reflection of the lights on the aquarium caught my eye. I watched the fish swim around, watched the lights reflect off of the glass and water, and all of my agitation started to fade. I felt not peaceful, nor happy, but I was no longer pensive. It was... quiet. Still. At rest.

I sat there for a very long time, rocking gently, gazing at the lights. The creak of footsteps in the hall intruded into the moment, and I was momentarily angry. My dad came in, surprised to see me, and made me move out of his chair. But then he gave me a hug and pulled me into his lap, made sure I was okay, wrapped us both in my afghan, and gazed at the lights with me. I rested my head against his chest and listened to his heart beating. We whispered a little, and were still, and we just looked and looked at the lights.

Many years later, the ornaments decorate a different tree at a different house. My dad's recliner is kind of crusty now, and there hasn't been a real Christmas tree in that room in over a decade. But in the intervening years both my dad and I have come to know Christ, and now we share a different kind of peace at Christmas.

Someone once told me that even before we know who he is, Christ woos us. He reveals himself before we know that it's him, kindling both a desire for and understanding of his nature: peace, joy, majesty, love. Can you see it in your own life?

That night with those Christmas lights was a night that God met me, a scrawny, agitated ten-year-old, in the suburbs of Rochester, NY. He was there that night, and I didn't even know it. But looking back, I know it was him. A little taste of peace, a little taste of love. A moment I never want to forget.

Oh, how he loves us.

Friends and God stories

2008-12-27T13:11:00.003-06:00

I met up with an old friend for breakfast this morning. We went to Rikki's, the mom and pop dive that every town has, the one that's only open for breakfast and lunch and that's packed ever Saturday morning and Sundays after church. Home fries and chocolate chip pancakes to die for, but the best part about Rikki's is always the friends that you meet there and the coffee you get afterward in the village's favorite cafe -- another place you can't walk into without seeing people you sang with in the high school choir seven years ago.

We caught up on life, shared news about engagements, marriages, and pregnancies among our old circle of friends, heard about school and jobs and churches and boys and life with Christ. In a long distance meet-up-over-the-holidays friendship, it doesn't get much better than that.

After a whirlwind week of Casino Birthday parties, marathon shopping, Christmas Eve Crossdressing (yeah...), gift exchanges, and eighties movie after eighties movie, it was nice to sit with a Christian and think about stories to tell of God's work in my life. It was rich and satisfying and good to hear about God's work in my friend's life. And most of all, it reminded me of all the reasons I have to be thankful, which leads to worship, which leads to joy.

So today, for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling really joyful. And I want to stay in this place of gladness and thanksgiving and joy, so I think I may start blogging a little more of the God stories from my life, and maybe even from other people's lives. No promises, just a heads up. I hope that in sharing stories we're all inspired recognize God's hand in our lives. And inspired to worship.

I'm also realizing how dependent on my Christian community I've become. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, probably a little of both, but my friends and CGroup and church families have become integral in helping me to know and follow Christ. So for all of you that are part of that... which is pretty much everyone that reads this blog, thank you. You inspire me to worship. I am thankful for you. And it brings me joy.

thoughts on gay marriage, part 4

2008-11-26T08:30:00.000-06:00

Please read this in context.

The conundrum of faith and morals and justice and politics gets confusing. But even more confusing is the dilemma of Christian hope in a world where homosexuality is akin to normalcy.

It's like with my mom. She's been with her partner longer than she was married to my dad. I love her dearly, I want her life to be amazing. Most of all, I want her to know the riches and joy and satisfaction and overwhelming love of Jesus, to have the freedom of being who she was made to be. But I believe that when she gets to that point, as she begins to love God back, He'll ask her to give up the woman she's loved for more than fourteen years. Heartbreak. The trappings of divorce without the social sympathy. Hurting tons of people deeply, having them not understand. It scares the crap out of me, and I won't be the one having to do it. I definitely believe that following God is worth any sacrifice, but I shudder at the brokenness that will be so hard to recover from. So even though I pray for my mom to know the incredible love of God, I know I'm praying for her to experience horrible things, too. There will be healing and wholeness on the other side. It will be amazing. But it will take a long time, and it will be the hardest thing she ever does.

So look. I don't have all the answers. I only have a God I trust implicitly, a God who's revealed himself to me in a million ways and given me a book that reveals his character and truth even more. It's a dilemma: a righteous God and redeemed lawbreakers living in a world where truth, love, and goodness are scorned, mocked, and twisted. Until Christ is ruling and there's a perfect theocracy, politics and democracy will fail us. Ultimately my interest is not in what is legal or illegal, or moral or immoral. My interest is in helping people learn about how much they are loved, and how they were meant for something incredible, and how they have the opportunity to be free to be the person God made them to be. No matter how broken and dark and mucky life is, no matter how hurt an confused a person is, God has a way out for them. He did for me. He died for me. And if that doesn't make sense to you, ask me about it.

I may have one more post about this, in response to the article Dan posted about last week. But no promises. And in the mean time, I invite your comments and questions and discussion. I know it's not completely logical, I know not every question is answered, and surely my arguments are incomplete and flawed. I'm not a philosopher, just a girl with some thoughts. Please be nice, even if you disagree with me. I promise to love you either way.

thoughts on gay marriage, part 3

2008-11-26T08:00:00.000-06:00

(Again, please bear in mind the context of this post.)

Let marriage be an institution of the church. Let civil unions be an institution of the government.

Ideologically, I think that's the viewpoint most consistent with the laws of this country, and the constitutional right to freedom of religion. It's not that easy, though. The thing about government is that while it may not legislate religion, it exists to uphold justice. And justice is itself ideological. So the morality of things gets all mixed up with the legality of things. And there's no way to really untangle those ideas.

Take, for example, adoption. Should a gay couple be allowed to adopt? Some states say yes, others say no (for a quick overview, check this out). Most studies show that gay and lesbian parents are no worse for children than heterosexual parents, overall. Surely having homosexual parents isn't a cakewalk for the kids, but it's less difficult as societal mores change and no worse than the other family issues that kids have to deal with. Is one parent better than no parent at all? Of course! Is two better than one? I think so.

So from my perspective, gay and lesbian couples can be awesome parents. The thing is, I think homosexuality is wrong in God's eyes. I think and hope that practicing homosexuals come to know God's love for them, and accept forgiveness for all of their sins, and choose to love God back, and show it by obeying what He asks them to do. And I think that ultimately this will mean ending their homosexual relationship. So what then? Just another broken home, children who were in foster care or adopted left no better off than the millions of other kids in broken families, dealing with all the crap that comes along with it.

So can I support adoption for homosexual couples? Gah. Legally it seems fine, but ethically it seems completely wrong. I have no idea what the right answer is. The thing about the separation of church and state is that no matter how hard you try to separate it, when you get down to a very personal level, there's no telling them apart. Law. Righteousness. God. Grace. Love. Family. I just don't know. (This, by the way, is why I find voting so difficult.)

A few closing thoughts, next.

thoughts on gay marriage, part 2

2008-11-26T07:30:00.000-06:00

(Again, please consider this post in the context of the previous ones.)

So far I've dealt with some of the secular issues. For many gay couples, the thing they care about is not so much legal rights as social acceptance. My earlier post about homosexuality in general addresses this issue, as does this blog post that recommends some good things to keep in mind when engaging in dialogue about homosexuality, especially as a Christian.

The thing is, this isn't the kind of acceptance that most homosexuals seem to want. They don't want a dialogue or respectful conversation about where we differ -- they want affirmation of their identity as homosexuals. Again, I've already dealt a bit with my opinions about that. But the semantics of "marriage" come into play again when we switch from what's legal to what's ideologically and socially acceptable. In the general American public, homosexuality is becoming increasingly socially normalized. But as a Christian who holds the opinions I've described, homosexuality and "marriage" can't go together.

Very traditional opening words of a protestant marriage ceremony are:

Dearly beloved: We have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the joining together of this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony. The bond and covenant of marriage was established by God in creation, and our Lord Jesus Christ adorned this manner of life by his presence and first miracle at a wedding in Cana of Galilee. It signifies to us the mystery of the union between Christ and his Church, and Holy Scripture commends it to be honored among all people. The union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in property and adversity; and, when it is God's will, for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord. Therefore marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God. (cited here, forgive my sad source, this librarian is on vacation)

One of the first things you notice about this ceremony is that it's decidedly not secular. This is marriage in the presence of God. It's a covenant established in the Biblical stories of creation and Jesus' life. It's holy. It represents Christ and the church. It's for joy, comfort, help, procreation, and family. It's not for tax definitions or health insurance, or even for social acceptance.

Forgive me if this seems harsh -- remember that I dearly love practicing homosexuals -- but there is no Biblical support for God's recognition of gay marriage. When the Bible speaks about homosexuality, it roundly condemns the practice. When the Bible speaks about marriage, it affirms that honorable, holy marriages are between a man and a woman. And it's not arbitrary! There are reasons that marriage is defined like it is in the Bible -- reasons literally as old as Adam. The very nature of the way our bodies are made speak to the rightness - the righteousness, if you will - of one man and one woman coming together in marriage. We were created with this in mind.

Again, please understand: I have great sympathy for those who believe they are homosexual by nature. It's not an easy thing, to have such crises of identity, to believe that you were created wrong, somehow, if this is the way God intended it. I don't have these answers, only the love of a God who wants to meet us in our deepest struggles, bind up our brokenness, fill our inner emptiness, and give us peace.

All of this is very faith-based. I believe it's completely true. And I also believe it's completely removed from the world of secular politics and government. Our country clings to the constitutional interpretation that completely separates church and state. Let it be separate, then. Don't let the government base its definitions on God's definitions, if the government is renouncing God. Let marriage be an institution of the church, one man and one woman. Let civil unions be an institution of the government, without gender restrictions.

Ideologically, I think that's the viewpoint most consistent with the laws of this country, and the constitutional right to freedom of religion. It's not that easy, though. The thing about government is that while it may not legislate religion, it exists to uphold justice. And justice is itself ideological. So the morality of things gets all mixed up with the legality of things. And there's no way to really untangle those ideas. More on this, next.

thoughts on gay marriage, part 1

2008-11-26T07:00:00.000-06:00

As promised, some of my thoughts about gay marriage. If you haven't read my previous post wherein I share my thoughts about homosexuality in general, please do. First, some thoughts on definitions and the secular...

Recent debates in the US have centered around the "definition" of marriage. There is a federal "Defense of Marriage" law. The recent passage of Proposition 8 in California has brought the issue to the forefront again... and again, it's an issue of "defining" the term marriage.

The issue always sounds like a semantic one. Is "marriage" a commitment between any couple, or only a heterosexual couple? Certainly the semantics are important. The word "marriage" has a tremendous amount of baggage attached to it. When we hear the word, we think of the relationship between our parents. We think of a ceremony with a bride and groom. We think of special intimacy. We think of life together, through good times and bad. We think of tax implications (well, some people do). We think of marriage in the way it has been modeled around us, and that is different for everyone.

So I'd like to propose that we pause for a moment and consider not the definition of marriage, but the implications of marriage. (The effectual semantics.) In today's culture, any two people can have a relationship that mimics traditional marriage. Life together does not require a marriage certificate. Sex certainly doesn't. And all kinds of people raise children together (or apart). Call it what you will, in terms of practical lifestyle, marriage-like relationships are all over the place.

So why does it matter how marriage is defined?

A major issue is that marriage has significant financial repercussions. Married people (may) have different tax burdens than single people. And while any people can live together and share the burden of living expenses, health care is extremely expensive. It is an employer's insurance plan that dictates whether or not "domestic partners" -- people living together -- can be insured under each other's health insurance policy. (Interestingly, the policies vary by employer, not by health care company. Also, no one seems to be asking about relationships between more than two people. Yet.)

So from one perspective, the way the government and businesses define marriage is important because of these financial issues. Personally, this is where I think it is very easy to draw a sacred/secular line. When we're talking about taxes and health care costs, we're talking about secular stuff, not sacred stuff. This is where equal rights comes into play. While there's no equal rights amendment in the US Constitution, establishing justice is the second purpose statement of the constitution. Given this mission statement, I think that one couple should be treated the same as any other couple. Remember, their lifestyles are virtually indistinguishable from those of "married" couples. So I think that tax burdens and insurance requirements should be the same for any kind of couple, if there must be a distinction between couples and single people. (And there are good reasons to make that distinction. Ask me about it if you disagree.)

Of course, marriage has typically been the standard for deciding at what point a relationship is "official" enough to be recognized by businesses and the government. Without some kind of standard, any two people could decide to claim the official benefits/liabilities of couple-ness. So far, the idea of "civil union" has been the standard for distinguishing between random couples and "official" couples. It basically establishes the rights of kinship without a shared bloodline, just like marriage does otherwise. (A quick search shows that in NJ a civil union has age and same-gender requirements, as well as an "only-one-at-a-time" kind of rule). Wikipedia calls it a theoretical legal mechanism, and I think that's really all it is. A secular mechanism for determining legal status of couples. A mechanism for ensuring secular justice.

So far I've dealt with some of the secular issues. For many gay couples, the thing they care about is not so much legal rights as social and ideological acceptance. More on that next.

Homosexuality and Christianity

2008-11-19T08:26:00.003-06:00

This post is in response to the article that Dan posted here, which refers to this article. I'll post my thoughts about gay marriage later. Here are my basic thoughts about homosexuality.

People often ask me my views of gay marriage, and I think it's my responsibility to consider the issue and have a well-thought-out answer. As the Christ-following daughter of a lesbian couple who have been together for fourteen years, I am in the unique position of having both firm moral convictions (that I believe are Biblical) and also having a vested interest in the way homosexuals are treated in the church and in the world.

First, I should say that I believe homosexual practice is unequivocally condemned by the Bible. There are scads of verses that support this stance, and if you'd like to hear more about this let me know and we'll discuss it.

Second, I firmly believe that all people, homosexuals included, are unequivocally loved by God with a fierce, passionate, deep, and righteous love. I cannot describe this love: just thinking about it makes my heart ache and sets tears of joy, thanksgiving, and sorrow flowing. It's the kind of love that you can't look at for too long, because it cuts deep and does not leave the beloved one unchanged. I firmly believe that a person who has deep feelings of love for another person of the same sex is beloved by God and should be treated as such by all the world, especially Christians.

I also believe that it is possible for a homosexual to be a redeemed, Christ-following Christian. The feelings of a person's heart toward another person of the same sex is not an insurmountable obstacle through which the grace of God cannot penetrate. Homosexuals can be Christians. But let me qualify that. If homosexuality is a sin, and it is, then a Christ-following homosexual will, at one point or other, be convicted that their lifestyle is outside the 'narrow road' that God would have them walk. Most of the time I'm pretty sure that conviction comes early on in a person's walk with God, because growth in Christ is seriously limited by the sinful patterns in our life. A homosexual who comes to Christ will have to end the active homosexual pattern of behavior in his or her life in order to walk with Christ, just as a person in a heterosexual relationship would have to end the sinful parts of their heterosexual relationship in order to grow in Christ.

I'm not insensitive, though. I'm not saying it's easy. Our culture says and many people firmly believe that their identity, the way that they were created, is to love people of the same gender. I cannot speak to the way people were created, though I believe God is both sovereign and loving as creator AND has forbidden homosexual behavior. I am good friends with people who live in the agony of feeling like they were created wrong, who hate that they cannot have the desires of their hearts fulfilled and also live according to God's revealed will. I understand why some Christ-followers choose to practice homosexuality, though as I said I think this will prevent their growth in Christ and likely facilitate their falling away from him. (Ultimately when it comes to sin there are powers of light and powers of darkness, and if we do not choose to claim the victory over sin by God's grace, the darkness gets a foothold and can reassert authority in our lives. And this goes for any pattern of sin, not just homosexuality) I think the best answer for Christ-following homosexuals is to practice abstinence. It can be excruciatingly difficult in a million ways, but I believe our God is greater than even the deep-seated things of the heart. Where it is His will, there is a way.

Again, let me just express my deepest love for both homosexuals and heterosexuals. This is a really hard topic, and it deserves to be discussed with care and respect. There's nothing I despise more than the ungrace shown by so many Christians toward homosexuals. It breaks my heart.

If you'd like to discuss this further, I'm certainly happy to oblige. Again, I have a vested interest on both sides, and I also have some unique experience dealing with both personal and institutional questions of sexuality, and also with the consequences of sexual sin and brokenness (my own and other people's). So let's talk about it. With love and respect.

Next up, a more direct response to the question of gay marriage.

he and i

2008-11-07T11:43:00.002-06:00

It's been an amazing few weeks for seeing the beauty and creativity and love of God everywhere. I wanted to share this passage from He and I, a book of prayers of Gabrielle Bossis, a French woman who lived from 1874-1950. The cool thing about this book is that it's a record not so much of Gabrielle's prayers, but of God's responses to her. This excerpt is from October 4, 1948.

Today you will contemplate My beauty. Already this morning you saw that deep flush of color arrowing the eastern horizon, and as you passed under the trees you stopped to admire the long October spider webs festooned from branch to branch and spangled with drops of dew like rows of pearls in open necklaces. Then as the sun rose, the crickets that had been vocal all night long in your cherry tree suddenly ceased their singing; the Loire mirrored one hue after another in a rich medley of unearthly colors. And the herons passed over, streaking the violet sky.

If you have eyes to see, every hour of the day holds its splendor. It comes from Me, from a fragment of Me. For you, of course -- so that you may learn the lure of praise, the joy of adoration, the love of Love. And I vary my spectacles every morning to rejuvenate your hearts.

Have you anyone else so ingenious in his ways of pleasing you? You have someone to carve the clouds into the shapes you love, haven't you? And an engineer to swell the tide so that the water reaches the wall of your terrace? What tradesman placed the birds in your trees and so many butterflies around your flowers? And this morning, was it a dealter in tulle who unfolded that chiffon scarf of mist right across your island, turning it into to storeys?

Whose hand plucks the yellow leaves of your linden trees with such grace while your strawberry plants offer you their long rest for the fruit of future years?

Open your eyes wide and look at Love. It is He who is passing by.

All-Night Vigil

2008-11-04T00:37:00.003-06:00

I'm a big fan of liturgy. I love the repetition, the speaking of truth day after day in the same way. The way the words get into your mind and heart, until they're as familiar as breathing. No matter what your circumstances, you can join a congregation with the same liturgy and fit right in. No matter where your heart is, you can speak and sing the old, old words and be brought back to the center, the source, the Savior.

While each of the traditional services charms me in its own way, I'm particularly captivated by vespers. It's the evening service, marking the close of the day. It's an opportunity to give thanks for what the day has held, and prepare for the night ahead. (Another reason I love liturgy--it is refreshingly in-the-moment. Each day, each hour, asking for the blessing and faithfulness that that day, that hour, requires.) Dusk is always an enchanting time, a beautiful and somber time, and I love marking that with beautiful, thankful, somber prayer and worship.

Eastern Orthodoxy is really cool because it still has so many features of high church. Worship involves all the senses... seeing the pervasive, iconic art and rich vestments of the clergy, hearing the music and liturgy, smelling and breathing the incense, touching the icons, tasting the sacrament. I've never experienced the full-fledged service, but someday I will. And while the charismatic and Wesleyan sides of me will rebel against the strictures, the Catholic and Jewish sides of me will revel.

Saturday night I went to a performance of Rachmaninoff's "Vespers," part of which I sang a few years ago with the Houghton College Choir. While technically a setting of the Orthodox all-night vigil rather than the orthodox vespers texts, it makes for a captivating service. Here are a few sections of the Vespers, my favorite parts. The last one is the best.

"Amen.
COME, LET US WORSHIP God, our King.
Come let us worship and fall down before Christ,
our King and our God.
Come, let us worship and fall down before the very Christ,
our King and our God.
Come, let us worship and fall down before him."

"BLESS THE LORD, O MY SOUL, blessed art thou, O Lord.
O Lord my God, thou art very great.
Thou art clothed with honour and majesty.
Blessed art thou, O Lord.
The waters stand upon the mountains.
Marvellous are thy works, O Lord.
In wisdom hast thou made all things.
Glory to thee, O Lord, who hast created all."

"REJOICE O VIRGIN Theotokos, Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, for thou has borne the Saviour of our souls."

spinning wheels in academia

2008-10-16T09:29:00.002-05:00

I'm in the middle of a lecture in my digital libraries class right now. It's actually not as boring (today) as my in-class-blogging might suggest. We're learning about digitizing, archiving, and making accessible AV files. The example the prof is using is of EVIA, an IU-based archive project wherein sociologists, ethno-musicologists, and the like record video and audio of indigenous and/or otherwise unique cultures. Each hour of video gets at least eight hours of processing... from compressing it into digital formats to scholarly annotaton of the entire thing, moment by moment. As cultures are assimilated, this project captures slices of the heritage of peoples, and will preserve it for future generations.

It's actually kind of cool.

(One interesting thing about the project is that some of it can't be made publicly available because some of the sacred things recorded cannot be seen/heard by, say, women, according to the cultural standards. I think it's cool that the scholars respect that, even if it's passe in our culture.)

Anyway, my thoughts today are more in the direction of stewardship. People are spending hundreds of thousands of hours, and hundreds of thousands of dollars, on this kind of academic research and archiving. It's fascinating and potentially useful for academics and interested members of the public, but is it a good use of resources? I realize that it's grant-funded, etc, so if the money wasn't used on this it would be used on some other significant academic project... But I was just thinking... Really? Is this worth it?

The QOTD from my google homepage is from Ellen Goodman:

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."

Are we just spinning our wheels? Personally? Are we living in light of the purpose to which we have been called? Are we even aware of what that purpose is? I think most of my friends would say yes, they know their purpose, and are at least trying to live in light of it. But it's good to check in about it.

But is there an extent to which we are just spinning our wheels here in academia? Literary scholars find new ways to pick over the same old works, ad infinitum. Historians search again and again to extract new meaning from history, or to figure out what "really" happened. Physical scientists really do make strides into understanding more of the world, but conflicting studies in significant areas confuse the very assertion of observable truth. Social science even more so. Perhaps I feel it more in this arcane world of librarianship, where we fill the shelves and screens with information that will almost certainly never make a significant impact for long-term good on people's lives.

If we're going to work...if we're going to engage in academia...shouldn't we have just as much purpose in that as in the rest of our lives? And if, from the Christian perspective, we define our purpose based on the gospel, how can we orient our academic life to reflect that centrality? Is it just a frame of mind, doing it for God? Or is it more than that--choosing work that will impact the world for Him, or celebrate Him?

Lots to think about.

amazing grace

2008-10-06T22:33:00.005-05:00

You may have read this before. But read it again. It's from Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace?

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A young girl grows up on a cherry orchard just above Traverse City, Michigan. Her parents, a bit old-fashioned, tend to overreact to her nose ring, the music she listens to, and the length of her skirts. They ground her a few times, and she seethes inside. "I hate you!" she screams at her father when he knocks on the door of her room after an argument, and that night she acts on a plan she has mentally rehearsed scores of times. She runs away.

She has visited Detroit only once before, on a bus trip with her church youth group to watch the Tigers play. Because newspapers in Traverse City report in lurid detail the gangs, the drugs, and the violence in downtown Detroit, she concludes that is probably the last place her parents will look for hr. California, maybe, or FLorida, but not Detroit.

Her second day there she meets a man who drives the biggest car she's ever seen. He offers her a ride, buys her lunch, arranges a place for her to stay. He gives her some pills that make her feel better than she's ever felt before. She was right all along, she decides: her parents were keeping her from all the fun.

The good life continues for a month, two months, a year. The man with the big car--she calls him "Boss"--teaches her a few things that men like. Since she's underage, men pay a premium for her. She lives in a penthouse, and orders room service whenever she wants. Occasionally she thinks about the folks back home, but their lives now seem so boring and provincial that she can hardly believe she grew up there.

She has a brief scare when she sees her picture printed on the side of a milk carton with the headline "Have you seen this child?" But by now she has blond hair, and with all the makeup and body-piercing jewelry she wears, nobody would mistake her for a child. Besides, most of her friends are runaways, and nobody squeals in Detroit.

After a year the first sallow signs of illness appear, and it amazes her how fast the boss turns mean. "These days, we can't mess around," he growls, and before she knows it she's out on the street without a penny to her name. She still turns a couple of tricks a night, but they don't pay much, and all the money goes to support her habit. When winter blows in she finds herself sleeping on metal grates outside the big department stores. "Sleeping" is the wrong word--a teenage girl at night in downtown Detroit can never relax her guard. Dark bands circle her eyes. her cough worsens.

One night as she lies awake listening for footsteps, all of a sudden everything about her life looks different. She no longer feels like a woman of the world. She feels like a little girl, lost in a cold and frightening city. She begins to whimper. Her pockets are empty and she's hungry. She needs a fix. She pulls her legs tight underneath her and shivers under the newspapers she's piled atop her coat. Something jolts a synapse of memory and a single image fills her mind: of May in Traverse City, when a million cherry trees bloom at once, with her golden retriever dashing through the rows and rows of blossomy trees in chase of a tennis ball.

God, why did I leave, she says to herself, and pain stabs her heart. My dog back home eats better than I do now. She's sobbing, and she knows in a flash that more than anything else in the world she wants to go home.

Three straight phone calls, three straight connections with the answering machine. She hangs up without leaving a message the first two times, but the third time she says, "Dad, Mom, it's me. I was wondering about maybe coming home. I'm catching a bus up your way, and it'll get there about midnight tomorrow. If you're not there, well, I guess I'll just stay on the bus until it hits Canada."

It takes about seven hours for a bus to make all the stops between Detroit and Traverse City, and during that time she realizes the flaws in her plan. What if her parents are out of town and miss the message? Shouldn’t she have waited another day or so until she could talk to them? And even if they are home, they probably wrote her off as dead long ago. She should have given them some time to overcome the shock.

Her thoughts bounce back and forth between those worries and the speech she is preparing for her father. ‘Dad, I’m sorry. I know I was wrong. It’s not your fault; it’s all mine. Dad, can you forgive me?’ She says the words over and over, her throat tightening even as rehearses them she hasn’t apologized to anyone in years.

The bus has been driving with the lights on since Bay City. Tiny snowflakes hit the pavement rubbed worn by thousands of tires, and the asphalt steams. She’s forgotten how dark it gets at night out here. A deer darts across the road and the bus swerves. Every so often, a billboard. A sign posting the mileage to Traverse City. Oh God.

When the bus finally rolls into the station, its air breaks hissing in protest, the driver announces in a crackly voice over the microphone, ‘Fifteen minutes, folks. That’s all we have here.’ Fifteen minutes to decide her life. She checks herself in a compact mirror, smoothes her hair, and licks the lipstick off her teeth. She looks at the tobacco stains on her fingertips, and wonders if her parents will notice. If they’re there.

She walks into the terminal not knowing what to expect. Not one of the thousand scenes that have played out in her mind prepares her for what she sees. There in the concrete-walls-and-plastic-chairs bus terminal in Traverse City, Michigan, stands a group of forty brothers and sisters and great-aunts and uncles and cousins and a grandmother and great-grandmother to boot. They’re all wearing goofy party hats and blowing noise-makers, and taped across the entire wall of the terminal is a computer-generated banner that reads "Welcome home!"

Out of the crowd of well-wishers breaks her Dad. She stares out through the tears quivering from her eyes like hot mercury and begins the memorized speech, "Dad, I’m sorry, I know…"

He interrupts her. "Hush, child. We’ve got no time for that. No time for apologies. You’ll be late for the party. A banquet’s waiting for you at home."

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James 1:26 says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress...

I used to be an orphan. I remember it vividly, and it was awful. The hurt is everywhere. . . certainly among those who haven't yet turned to Christ, but also among us, the family, the chosen and beloved. Either way, the call is clear. The command is clear. And the love, the grace? Limitless. And amazing.

Is God alone enough?

2008-08-11T14:03:00.003-05:00

Hopefully this isn't completely incoherent...

A friend and I got into a heated debate the other night over the question of whether or not God alone is enough to satisfy our deepest, most fundamental needs.

I was contending that yes, He is enough. Christ is the only one who knows us on the deepest level, more intimately than we even know ourselves. He is the only one defined by his unconditional love, a love that delights to fill, satisfy, and delight us. His sufficiency will never be matched by any earthly relationship--even a husband and wife will never know each other fully or be able to fully meet each other's needs. Though I certainly look forward to getting to know my husband for the rest of our lives, and while I wait for that season with eager and often impatient anticipation, I know, experience, and usually believe that I already have all I need because I have Christ.

My friend contends that Jesus alone is not enough, because He created us to live in community. His argument is that we are fundamentally designed to function best when we're functioning with one another, and that for those people intended for marriage, they will only find completeness and contentment once they have entered into that marriage relationship.

As this friend is a discontent single person, I find it easy to be extremely cynical and write off his argument as that of a man who just needs to know Jesus more, and who will receive a shock when he finds marriage less satisfying than he imagined. But asking around, I've found that many people agree that Jesus alone isn't enough to meet our needs and fulfill our desires. They say that we need not only Jesus, but each other.

So I'm rather confused. On the one hand, I get where they're coming from. I've experienced that life is better when it's lived in community. I know what it is to pretend the blanket wrapped around me is God's arms, and I know the much greater satisfaction of having real arms wrapped around me and thanking God that they are His surrogates. I know the sweetness of prayer and conversation with God, but there's something I (dare I say) prefer about having a conversation with another tangible person--listening, watching, speaking, and responding in ways I almost always understand. Community, when it works, is awesome and fulfilling.

On the other hand, we speak, sing, and pray together about the sufficiency of Jesus Christ. Certainly He is sufficient to pay for our sins, sufficient in grace, and in mercy, and in love. I guess the question is in the wording: does God meet all of our needs, or does God provide for all of our needs? Is He Himself enough for us, or is He-plus-what-He-provides enough for us? In this case, is Christ enough, or do we need Christ-plus-Community?

Maybe it's a moot point, because with one comes the other. Except... not always. There are loads of times when the community bit falls through. We're not perfect, we mess up, and this living-in-community often feels like trial and error. So what then? If God Himself is not enough for us, then where are we left in the times that community fails?

I know what it's like to have the community bit not work out, and that's why I believe that it has to be God and God alone that is enough. Because when God's the only one there, He makes it okay. Sometimes he provides the community, but sometimes He doesn't, and we are called to rejoice in either circumstance. Whether or not we have friends, whether or not we have lovers, whether or not we have fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers--we have Christ.

And Christ is enough.

...isn't He?

pensive

2008-08-07T20:37:00.002-05:00

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

Many thanks to those that have come alongside me in the last few days, even when I've been unable to express my need.

And Hallelujah to our faithful God! Thus far the Lord has helped me. I look forward to seeing what is next.

two things

2008-07-26T01:00:00.003-05:00

The following is from today's My Utmost by Chambers. The bold bit is what struck me tonight, as I am weary and contemplative. It makes me very thankful.

"Out of the heart proceed . . ." Matthew 15:18-20

We begin by trusting our ignorance and calling it innocence, by trusting our innocence and calling it purity; and when we hear these rugged statements of Our Lord's, we shrink and say - But I never felt any of those awful things in my heart. We resent what Jesus Christ reveals. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme Authority on the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust His penetration, or do I prefer to trust my innocent ignorance? If I make conscious innocence the test, I am likely to come to a place where I find with a shuddering awakening that what Jesus Christ said is true, and I shall be appalled at the possibility of evil and wrong in me. As long as I remain under the refuge of innocence I am living in a fool's paradise. If I have never been a blackguard, the reason is a mixture of cowardice and the protection of civilized life; but when I am undressed before God, I find that Jesus Christ is right in His diagnosis.
The only thing that safeguards is the Redemption of Jesus Christ. If I will hand myself over to Him, I need never experience the terrible possibilities that are in my heart. Purity is too deep down for me to get to naturally: but when the Holy Spirit comes in, He brings into the centre of my personal life the very Spirit that was manifested in the life of Jesus Christ, viz., Holy Spirit, which is unsullied purity.

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In unrelated realization of God's majesty, four or five nights ago there was an amazing thunderstorm. I went outside to walk in it around 1:30AM, only to find that it wasn't actually raining. Making myself comfortable on the little step outside my door, I watched God's fireworks. The roiled clouds were zinging lightning back and forth, the wind was chasing great steely-blue heaps across the sky. Thunder sounded, but not as often as I expected--the noise came from the wild applause of nearby trees, who seemed to enjoy the show as much as I did. Only once before have I watched a rain storm roll in, but this night I heard it first on the roofs across the yard, then on the pavement, and louder in the pool, on the mail-shelter, and then on me. My senses were keen: at the time I was aware of the different feelings the drops had whether the landed on my face, or arms, or clothes. I tried to keep my eyes open and continue watching the light show, but it's hard to look straight up into falling rain. I was in awe of God, in awe of creation, in awe of the fact that I could see and hear and feel so much, and in awe of the fact that I didn't melt in the rain.

:-)

Just awesome:

2008-07-22T18:50:00.003-05:00

1. Joel's sermon last Sunday night, and the excellent discussion that followed, confirmed again my desire to pursue just one thing: Christ himself. It is unspeakably wonderful to know Him, don't you agree?

2. Last week Liana told me about how in Ghana they end each night by recounting the day with thanksgiving and praise of God's faithfulness, and how they begin each day with again recounting the Lord's faithfulness and thanking Him/praying for the day ahead. Just since Sunday I've been trying to do this, and it's been awesome. I'm not much of a morning-quiet-time person, but starting off with that and a song about His faithfulness has made a huge difference in how I've approached my days. (Thanks, Liana! And Jeremy for sharing that morning song!) My last few days have been filled with great joy

3. Sometimes certain things are so close to my heart that I can't form cohesive thoughts with which to pray, let alone get enough objectivity to pray in accordance with God's will. But a friend was able to pray for me with that passion and objectivity yesterday. Just another way this body of Christ amazes me.

4. I've had the incredible privilege of touring the labs of my "science-y friends" this last week. May I just say one more time how amazing God is?? I'm boggled by creation. By mushrooms and bird brains and lipids and cell migration. By the fact that our bodies work, that with just a thought my eyes look around, my fingers move, and without a thought my heart beats and I retract my finger from a burning cold surface. By the fact that God created people that have the intellect and passion to work out the whys and hows of biological life. :-) By the way everything matters. Just...wow. My confession of the day is that I have a little crush on science. I'm not cut out for it, I don't belong in a lab, but part of me wants to spend every moment of every day contemplating, discovering, innovating, analyzing, being frustrated by, and delighting in the workings of the world. (Plus, dude, scientists get to play with some awesome toys.) I've got other thoughts on this, but they'll keep, for now.

5. This has nothing to do with anything, but I just am so excited about it that I have to talk about it and this is the most convenient forum. My dad is coming for a visit next week, and I'm THRILLED ABOUT IT!!! Not only is he driving 12 hours to help me move (woohoo!), he's taking a whole week off work and I get to take him to all his favorite spots from the summer he spent in Bloomington some 20 years ago. I cannot wait to share my wonderful B-town life with the man who, despite some challengers, is still my favorite man currently incarnate on earth. :-D

spiritual rest and discipline

2008-07-20T14:47:00.003-05:00

For me, the past week has been one of profound spiritual rest. I can tell that I am near to God's heart, even when I don't feel it. I think it is a truth that I am beginning to know through faith. Hallelujah!

It is good to be quiet in the presence of our Jesus King, isn't it? The rest here is phenomenal, indescribable, sweet. Knowing that He loves me, has his best for me, and is utterly in control. Lately I've been directing many of my friends to Phillipians 4: 4-7. Rejoice. Relax. Realize God's presence. Don't worry, just pray and praise and let God's peace take over. I'm still a novice at practicing this, but oh, when I do!

This inner quiet proved particularly useful this past week when I had a difficult, emotional encounter with an old friend. In the midst of the turmoil and agony of the situation, I found that my spirit was still at rest. In that stillness I found conviction and direction for my words and behavior. It sounds all profound and was actually quite prosaic, but when the time came for me to make a hard decision, I was able to make it. I praise God for enabling my obedience, for helping me perceive His Spirit and will, and for guarding my heart. It could have been really bad through and through, and it ended up being only a little bit uncomfortable on the outside.

And really, for me, just being able to obey Him against my own will was a huge blessing. I'm not very good at setting aside my own impulses and wishes for those of Christ, but this one time it worked. I've actually had quite a bit of (God-given) success on this front lately. I discovered a new way of fighting off one sin that has been a long-term problem--I focus on how giving in to it will interrupt my closeness to God. I'm miserable when I'm not on good terms with Him, and being close to Him is abundant life, so it's made the choice a lot easier. I feel like whereas before I fought against this sin by yelling at the devil and claiming my stake as God's daughter and asking God to save me from it, now I'm "setting" God right between me and it, so I'm totally secure. (Of course I'm not doing the setting, He's already there, but maybe you know what I mean.)

This training-for-a-half-marathon has been teaching me about self-denial and discipline, too. Because I went and told everyone I know about it, I can't back out or quit even when I want to. Part of it is pride, and part of it is realizing that I've got lots of people pulling for me, and I don't want to disappoint them. It's seriously awesome that so many people care enough to even offer to work out with me! (By the way, I'm blogging about my efforts here, and while it's mostly for a personal record, you're welcome to peruse and/or comment.) Anyway, maybe discipline doesn't have to be as scary as it sounds. Maybe it can just be a person striving after a goal, surrounded with people who are encouraging and helping her along the way.

Isn't that, after all, the kingdom of God? All of us, together and individually, seeking after Christ Jesus, encouraging and helping each other along the way?

527,040 minutes

2008-06-09T20:51:00.002-05:00

Today marks one year since I moved to Bloomington. Like many big life changes, I remember it quite clearly: from a conversation with a friend in my aunt's pool the might before to the hauling in of the five boxes of books that I deemed important enough to bring along. I like the hard work, physical toil, and fresh start of moving, and I look forward to doing it again next month (without the bane of having to reestablish myself in community).

This evening I've been considering some of the things I've learned since I moved here. I've been affected by so many people and experiences that it's hard to know where to begin, even in thought. But here's a bit of what I've learned and how.

Community is the heart of life. The first week I lived here, I had no TV, internet access, cell phone minutes, or local friends. I didn't handle it well, even with the fifteen or so books I borrowed to pass the time. A week after I moved in I went to ECC and literally threw myself at a group of people my age after the second service, saying something like "Hi, I'm new here and I'm looking for friends." (The girl to whom I said that will be my roommate next year...I guess it worked!) I came to mark time by church, Renovo, Connexion, and my classes...and I still have a vivid memory of the first time I was invited to someone's house for games and hanging out.

Now, I'm definitely a person who needs her alone time: an entire day with people is generally more than I prefer. But not only have I learned how important relationships are to my personal "life abundantly," I've also seen how central this is to the entirety of humankind. God Himself is community: relationships are an inherent part of the Three-in-One. We are made in that image, and the goal of human relationships is imitation of the intrinsic, completely united love of God. And that goes for all kinds of relationships: certainly marriage and family, but also with friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and that guy on the street corner who hits on all the girls that walk by.

We're all the same. I think I learned this lesson best through Renovo, where I served lunch and built relationships with homeless and otherwise needy folk last year. At first I was frightened about having to make conversation at a lunch table with people that are so very different from me. What is there to talk about that wouldn't feel like lording it over them with all of my money and nice clothes and climate-controlled apartment? But then I learned that talking with these strangers was more about listening than talking, and as I heard their stories I began to see how very much we have in common. We're all just folks. If my life took a different turn, if circumstances were slightly different in my past, I would be exactly where they are today. And vice versa, for them. Our sins are the same (in thought if not in deed), our needs are the same (family, food, shelter, Jesus), and we have the same emotions, trials, and hopes. In the story of the gospel, all of us play the same role: wretched sinner, offered grace. And God's providence is not more or less miraculous for any of us--it just so happens that those of us with money are generally less thankful for it.

I've learned something else, too, about us all being the same. We feel isolated and shamed by our sins. They are to be hidden, fought against, fled from. But in reality, when we confess our sins to God, he treats us as lovingly as he did the prodigal son. And when we confess our sins to each other, we almost always find a similar compassion, love, mercy, and grace, plus tangible help and accountability as we seek to change. It's not always this ideal, but when we bring our struggles in the open, we get help fighting them. And often we find out we're not the only ones with that particular battle. Especially in the context of Christian community, it's like we're set up to heal each other--the body of Christ. We're all the same.

God. I think I've learned Him better this year. I've encountered him as my Rock: the only one there for me through it all, my only hiding place when things get awful. I've encountered him as my Love: the only one whose affection is unceasing, the one whose pleasure brings me the greatest delight. I've known him as my Father: He whose arms never let me fall and whose faithful heartbeat soothes me when I'm wild with fear, sadness, excitement, or delight. I'm continually overwhelmed by He the Creator. I have possibly experienced Him as Savior more this year than ever before...and I hope that I know Him--and follow Him--as Lord more now than a year ago.

I've learned about God this year, certainly. At church, Connexion, c-group, in the Bible, in books, in discussions. But in the last year I have prayed that my capacity to know Him would be enlarged. And I think that prayer has been answered, at least a little.

I'll end here, though my contemplations continue about service, ministry, friendship, who I am in Christ and in the world, my past, and my future. These here are the things I've learned that it's easiest to talk about, to air publicly. It comes across like a bed of roses, and it hasn't been, but it's been a good year. I'm on-my-knees thankful for it. Thank you to those of you in Bloomington who have become my reason to stick around for another year. And thank you to those of you back home, who are believing God for my future and reassuring me that you're there for me despite the distance. I love you all.

To God be the glory.

scattered

2008-06-09T15:32:00.003-05:00

About two hours ago I decided that I'd like a cup of tea. I went into the kitchen, put away my things from lunch, emptied the dishwasher, ran the disposal, started loading the dishwasher, put away some appliances, straightened up the cupboard under the sink, and came back to my computer for a quick round of email-news-facebook.

I remembered that I wanted tea. I went into the kitchen, cleared off the table, brought in the mail, leafed through my new Time magazine, sorted and stacked the mail on my previously cleared table, washed some dishes by hand, noticed about six other kitchen chores to do today, finished off an open can of soda, and came back to the computer to research normal ranges for cholesterol. Plus email-news-facebook-twitter-other email-blogroll, until my mom called and I had to quickly come up with $70 of purchases I want for free at Circuit City in the next 24 hours.

I have learned a few things:

1. There's always more to do.

2. The next generation iPhone is going to be sweet, fast, AND affordable. (But I'm not sure I want to be wired to the email-news-facebook-etc routine more than I already am.)

3. Spammers hire people to type in those squiggly letters you have to decode to get online accounts. Sites that are looking to use those squiggly letters can get them from a nonprofit company that scans out-of-copyright books and makes them available online for free. When the company's OCR software can't recognize a word, it sends it to a squiggly-word-needing website, where someone types it in to get an account, and whatever they type is entered into the online version of the book. I think that's very very cool.

4. Some days are just like this. It's an errand day, a chore day, and in an hour it will be a work day. It's my last day sans roommate, so I also want to enjoy (guilt-free) a movie, a book, a glass of wine while I still can.

I have done a lot in the last couple hours, but wouldn't call it particularly productive. I'm not sure that the small choices I've made are the kind that will add up over time to reaching my goals or living a life of purpose and significance. I hope they will--that these mundane things are being incorporated into a God-centered momentum--that at the end of this day I'll be able to say I was serving the One I love. But sometimes that's hard to discern.

I think I'll go have that cup of tea now.

micah 6:8

2008-05-24T23:31:00.003-05:00

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8

In youth group back in high school, we sang this verse. Back and forth, girls echoing the guys, singing truth to each other. I've known the verse for long time, but I'm just beginning to delve into what it actually means. Lately I've been reading a LOT, and feeling rather cowed by the immense wisdom of the collective world compared to my own meager, sorry thoughts. (Hence the lack of blogging...) Here are some things I've picked up along the way:

"Living justly" is a phrase which I'd never heard until recently but which is an increasingly effective way of expressing the concept. Another blog I peruse mentioned a fabulous book about just-living: The Better World Handbook. and while I'm only on page 15 I can already recommend it highly. Get it and read it. The authors (Jones, Haenfler, and Johnson) talk about the whys and hows of living right in simple, understandable, and practical terms.

I've begun to read gatheringinlight, a blog by a Quaker student at Fuller Thological Seminary. Some interesting stuff, including the following "living justly" themed items:

Resources and Tips for Becoming Green and Protecting Our Environment
How to Live Local: Creating your Two Mile Map
This video, which parallels the lives of two kids who live under radically different circumstances:

I am continually confronted with the myriad ways my life does not line up with my confession of faith...and I so want to change that. It's hard, but that's no excuse. It gets discouraging to have a list of things I want to do and become, and then to watch myself walk in the ways of old, destructive habits. I have trouble staying motivated, even though I know it's worth all the effort I can muster. I would drop anything to help a friend in need... why then is it so difficult to drop anything to help fellow humans in general, and generations to come? Why is it so hard, even when I know it is would not only be obeying God, but showing my love for Him, and ultimately benefiting me physically, mentally, and spiritually?

I guess that's where the "walking humbly with your God" comes in. I cannot do it in my power. But He will not do it for me, either. It takes faith, but it also takes works. I need to step out in faith, and then I will find that His strength is enough. I want to see His kingdom come and His will be done--it will never happen globally until He returns, but as long as I am in His kingdom, I want to work for it.

My new prayer for myself is for discipline and motivation... Once again, for this moment. I have nothing to offer but myself, right now.

thankful

2008-05-07T08:07:00.003-05:00

This morning I am overwhelmed by the ugly reality of sin in my life. Sometimes when I stumble and fall my mind races through the gospel: "You've fallen, but if you repent God will forgive you and restore you and nothing will stand between you and him. That is bliss. Worship." I end up not really dealing with the issues, because I know the end of the story.

My issue right now is with what I might call 'addictive' sin: after so much victory over it, I gave an inch and it took over again. I blame the behavior as if it was in control--actually, I'm the one that's chosen to give in to the impulses. I have sinned. And it is ugly, and I am wretched. And I can't stop--no matter how hard I try.

The problem with racing through the gospel so much, so often, every time this sin seems like it is becoming a habit, is that I start asking for God's true opinion of me and not actually believing it. I know he says that I am His, that I am forgiven, that I am a saint, that He loves me. But in my inner heart (fully revealed to Him, of course), I her "That's just fine, but you're going to fall again. You haven't truly repented because it's going to happen again. Maybe even today. Gotcha. So He can't really love you, because you haven't really repented."

THAT IS A LIE!

I have repented and I am free. God told me this morning, once again, that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come! I am in Christ. I haven't remained in Him, which is why I've fallen--but I am in Him now, and as long as I stay in Him NOW (this moment), I am a new creation. The old has gone. The new has come. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. NO condemnation! NO CONDEMNATION!

Take that, Enemy.

All I owe was paid by Jesus. And that includes all my sin from before, and any atrocities I have yet to commit. It is somber, but it is glorious. And yes, it inspires worship. I have been contemplating how to say thank you... But God desires mercy, not sacrifice. The best worship I can give is just to remain in Christ. God has work for me to do, even this morning, and it's work I can't do in my own strength. So here we go. This morning, this moment, I'm just going to worship with a thankful heart and moment-by-moment faithfulness.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

love (iii)

2008-04-29T23:58:00.003-05:00

I've recently bought some fabulous books from MLS students who are leaving town. Among them is an anthology of George Herbert's work, and now I'm back on a poetry kick. (I call it a kick because it won't last more than a few weeks...as soon as I'm inspired to start writing my own, it becomes painfully obvious that prose is a better genre for me.) ;-)

Anyway, I hope to blog more now that the semester is over, but for now, here's Herbert's "Love (III)."

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.

"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

in the pauses of my day

2008-04-26T08:17:00.003-05:00

I'm still over my head in end-of-semester work, but here are two small contemplations from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest that have strengthened and encouraged me in the last few days:

INSTANT IN SEASON

Be instant in season, out of season." 2 Timothy 4:2

Many of us suffer from the morbid tendency to be instant "out of season." The season does not refer to time, but to us - 'Be instant in season, out of season," whether we feel like it or not. If we do only what we feel inclined to do, some of us would do nothing for ever and ever. There are unemployables in the spiritual domain, spiritually decrepit people, who refuse to do anything unless they are supernaturally inspired. The proof that we are rightly related to God is that we do our best whether we feel inspired or not.
One of the great snares of the Christian worker is to make a fetish of his rare moments. When the Spirit of God gives you a time of inspiration and insight, you say - "Now I will always be like this for God." No, you will not, God will take care you are not. Those times are the gift of God entirely. You cannot give them to yourself when you choose. If you say you will only be at your best, you become an intolerable drag on God; you will never do anything unless God keeps you consciously inspired. If you make a god of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life and never come back until you do the duty that lies nearest, and have learned not to make a fetish of your rare moments.

I've heard this preached before, but for some reason this time it stuck. Maybe it's because I'm fighting with even simple discipline like "sit down and work on your paper," and maybe it's because I was recently reminded of lavish (broken) promises I made to God from the heights of retreats and mission trips when I was a teenager. Like a worn in liturgy, sometimes I need this reminder that taking up my cross and following God should be an ingrained habit.

THE SUPREME CLIMB

"Take now thy son . . and offer him there for a burnt-offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of." Genesis 22:2

Character determines how a man interprets God's will (cf. Psalm 18:25-26). Abraham interpreted God's command to mean that he had to kill his son, and he could only leave this tradition behind by the pain of a tremendous ordeal. God could purify his faith in no other way. If we obey what God says according to our sincere belief, God will break us from those traditions that misrepresent Him. There are many such beliefs to be got rid of, e.g., that God removes a child because the mother loves him too much - a devil's lie! and a travesty of the true nature of God. If the devil can hinder us from taking the supreme climb and getting rid of wrong traditions about God, he will do so; but if we keep true to God, God will take us through an ordeal which will bring us out into a better knowledge of Himself.
The great point of Abraham's faith in God was that he was prepared to do anything for God. He was there to obey God, no matter to what belief he went contrary. Abraham was not a devotee of his convictions, or he would have slain Isaac and said that the voice of the angel was the voice of the devil. That is the attitude of a fanatic. If you will remain true to God, God will lead you straight through every barrier into the inner chamber of the knowledge of Himself; but there is always this point of giving up convictions and traditional beliefs. Don't ask God to test you. Never declare as Peter did - "I will do anything, I will go to death with Thee." Abraham did not make any such declaration, he remained true to God, and God purified his faith.

No promises, just faith in action, this moment. How amazing would it be to be not a devotee of my convictions, but of God alone. He is trustworthy and true and good. I'm so thankful.

starlit faces (eden)

2008-04-13T02:01:00.003-05:00

I've been listening to this song all week, including on single-repeat for the last hour.

I'm not sure if it was written or if it just grew, but it's performed here by it's creators, John Sharpe and John Paul Worrall, Jr. It will never be played live again.

However, the recording might have to be played at my wedding. It makes me think of stargazing and hope and happiness and friendship and intimacy and longing for heaven. If I had to choose the most spiritual song I own, this would probably be it. It makes me smile and it makes me cry.

I welcome your comments.

(And if any of you who have emotional or proprietary ties to this music prefer that I take it down, just let me know and I will.)

"Becoming the Beloved"

2008-04-13T00:47:00.002-05:00

Chatting with a friend today about blogs made me really miss writing in mine. So hopefully more from me in the next few weeks, or at least after classwork is finished. (I have a stack of outlined blog entries just waiting to be written.) :-)

If my previous post from Nouwen's Life of the Beloved expressed a rather simple principal, the following excerpt describes a simple principle that can also be unendingly complex. I'd never heard it put quite this way, and I like it. This will be my last Nouwen excerpt, if only because more would fall outside copyright law. :-)

Dear friend, being the Beloved is the origin and the fulfillment of the life of the Spirit. I say this because, as soon as wee catch a glimpse of this truth, we are put on a journey in search of the fullness of that truth, and we will not rest until we can rest in that truth. From the moment we claim the truth of being the Beloved, we are faced with the call to become who we are. Becoming the Beloved is the great spiritual journey we have to make.

Augustine's words, "My soul is restless until it rests in you, O God," capture well this journey. I know that the fact that I am always searching for God, always struggling to discover the fullness of Love, always yearning for the complete truth, tells me that I have already been given a taste of God, of Love, and of Truth. I can only look for something that I have, to some degree, already found. How can I search for beauty and truth unless that beauty and truth are already known to me in the depth of my heart? It seems that all of us human beings have deep inner memories of the paradise that we have lost. Maybe the word "innocence" is better than the word "paradise." We were innocent before we started feeling guilty; we were in the light before we entered into the darkness; we were at home before we started to search for a home. Deep in the recesses of our minds and hearts there lies hidden the treasure we seek. We know its preciousness, and we know that it holds the gift we most desire: a life stronger than death.

If it's true that we are not only the Beloved but also have to become the Beloved; if it is true that we not only are children of God, but also have to become children of God, if it is true that we not only are brothers and sisters, but also have to become brothers and sisters. . . if all that is true, how then can we get a grip on this process of becoming? If the spiritual life is not simply a way of being but also a way of becoming, what then is the nature of this becoming?

You are enough of a pragmatist to ask how we get. . .from being the Beloved to fully becoming it. This is such an important question because it allows us to let go of any romanticism or idealism and to deal with the utter concreteness of our daily lives. Becoming the Beloved means letting the truth of our Belovedness become enfleshed in everything we think, say, or do. It entails a long and painful process of appropriation or, better, incarnation. As long as "Being the Beloved" is little more than a beautiful thought or a lofty idea that hangs above my life to keep me from being depressed, nothing really changes. What is required is to become the Beloved in the commonplaces of my daily existence and, bit by bit, to close the gap between what I know myself to be and the countless specific realities of everyday life. Becoming the Beloved is pulling the truth revealed to me from above down into the ordinariness of what I am, in fact, thinking of, talking about, and doing from hour to hour.

When I think about your life. . .I am quite aware of the pressures you undergo. You and Robin live in the middle of New York in a small apartment; you have to keep working to earn enough for your rent and your food; you have thousands of little things to do, from making phone calls to writing letters, buying and cooking food, staying in touch with family and friends and remaining informed about what happens in your city, your country, and your world. All of that seems quite a lot for one person, and it is usually these very simple concrete things of daily life that provide the raw materials for our conversations. The question, "How are you doing?" usually leads to very down-to-earth stories about marriage, family, health, work, money, friends, and plans for the immediate future. It seldom, however, leads to deep thoughts about the origin and goal of our existence. Still, I am thoroughly convinced that the origin and goal of our existence have everything to do with the ways we think, talk, and act in our daily lives. When our deepest truth is that we are the Beloved and when our greatest joy and peace come from fully claiming that truth, it follows that this has to become visible and tangible in the ways we eat and drink, talk and love, play and work. When the deepest currents of our life no longer have any influence on the waves at the surface, then our vitality will eventually ebb, and we will end up listless and bored even when we are busy. . . .

It goes on, introducing the rest of the book. Which I again suggest you read.

Peace be with you.

"Being the Beloved"

2008-04-09T23:29:00.002-05:00

In the nooks and crannies of my life I've been reading Henri Nouwen's book, Life of the Beloved. Nouwen, a Catholic priest, wrote prolifically about the spiritual life and is, at least in my book, quickly becoming part of the modern-Christian-life canon. His insights are profound and his writing accessible. The following is an excerpt from Life of the Beloved, which is written as a letter to one of Nouwen's friends. It's expressing an old truth, but it's good to hear it again, over and over. (If you're in a hurry and just want a sip of that truth, skip to the penultimate paragraph.)

Fred, all I want to say to you is "You are the Beloved," and all I hope is that you can hear these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being--"You are the Beloved."

The greatest gift my friendship can give to you is the gift of your Belovedness. I can give that gift only insofar as I have claimed it for myself. Isn't that what friendship is all about: giving to each other the gift of our Belovedness?

Yes, there is that voice, the voice that speaks from above and from within and that whispers softly or declares loudly: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests." It certainly is not easy to hear that voice in a world filled with voices that shout: "You are no good, you are ugly; you are worthless; you are despicable, you are nobody--unless you can demonstrate the opposite."

These negative voices are so loud and persistent that it is easy to believe them. That's the great trap. It is the trap of self-rejection. ... When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. I am constantly surprised at how quickly I give in to this temptation. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I find myself rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking: "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." Instead of taking a critical look at the circumstances or trying to understand my own and others' limitations, I tend to blame myself--not just for what I did, but for who I am. My dark side says: "I am no good...I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned."

Maybe you think that you are more tempted by arrogance than by self-rejection. But isn't arrogance, in fact, the other side of self-rejection? Isn't arrogance putting yourself on a pedestal to avoid being seen as you see yourself? Isn't arrogance, in the final analysis, just another way of dealing with the feelings of worthlessness? Both self-rejection and arrogance pull us out of the common reality of existence and make a gentle community of people extremely difficult, if not impossible, to attain. I know too well that beneath my arrogance there lies much self-doubt, just as there is a great amount of pride in my self-rejection. Whether I am inflated or deflated, I lose touch with my truth and distort my view of reality.

... Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.

I am putting this so directly and simply because, though the experience of being the Beloved has never been completely absent from my life, I never claimed it as my core truth. I kept running around it in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness. It was as if I kept refusing to hear the voice that speaks from the very depth of my being and says: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests." That voice has always been there, but it seems that I was much more eager to listen to other, louder voices saying: "Prove that you are worth something; do something relevant, spectacular, or powerful, and then you will earn the love you so desire." Meanwhile, the soft, gentle voice that speaks in the silence and solitude of my heart remained unheard, or, at least, unconvincing.

That soft, gentle voice that calls me the Beloved has come to me in countless ways. My parents, friends, teachers, students, and the many strangers who crossed my path have all sounded that voice in different tones. ... Beneath all my seemingly strong self-confidence there remained the question: "If all those who shower me with so much attention could see me and know me in my innermost self, would they still love me?"

... I think you know what I am talking about. Aren't you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire?" ... Bu as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death.

Well, you and I don't have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before parents, teachers, spouses, children, and friends loved or wounded us. That's the truth of our lives. That's the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That's the truth spoken by the voice that says, "You are my Beloved."

Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: "I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover, and your spouse...yes, even your child...wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one."

Every time you listen with great attentiveness to the voice that calls you the Beloved, you will discover within yourself a desire to hear that voice longer and more deeply. It is like discovering a well in the desert. Once you have touched wet ground, you want to dig deeper. ... All we really need is a great desire to find the water and drink from it.

Today He who is the King of angels is arrayed in a crown of thorns.

2008-03-21T20:16:00.005-05:00

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi:
miserere nobis.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi:
dona nobis pacem.

All the vain things that charm me most
I sacrifice them to His blood.

So many of the things I crave and seek are vain. They do not satisfy the innermost cravings of my heart. They never could. I know that no matter how hard I try to chase other loves, none but Christ will satisfy. Only He could possibly reach the depths of me, let alone clean out the rot and fill the emptiness. He is more precious than the finest of earthly treasures. I have set my gaze to seek an pursue Him all the days of my life.

But oh, the vain things are charming. Pursuing God means an end to pursuing myself, an exchange well worth it but still incredibly difficult. The things that draw me in shout and speak and coax and whisper, "No, it's about you. I will satisfy you." They lie, of course, but charmers do. I let my gaze glance away from Christ. I allow or even force my ever-present sense of Him to blur. He isn't satisfying me right now, so I will turn my back on Him in hope of a quick fix elsewhere. I find the sin less satisfying than even my selfish discontent, my awareness of God snaps back into focus, I find that I've denied the one I love, and I end up brokenhearted at the sight of His broken heart.

He is quick to forgive. His blood soaks me again, and I come out clean, like a bride in her splendor. I deserve none of it, I writhe in my guilt, but he says, "I do not condemn you. I love you. Enter into the joy of your salvation."

What else can I do? If that's what He wants, if that's what will make Him happy, I will accept this gift, this grace, and rejoice, and love him with all I am once again.

I know myself well enough to know that I will fall again. If not in this way, than in another. Christ became my sin for me, and I am called to become His righteousness for Him. I stink at becoming righteousness.

But because my eyes are fixed on Him again, I'll try. And as long as my eyes are fixed on Him, I'll succeed. The God who asks it of me is also the God who empowers me. This is my Jesus, whom I love. And all the vain things that charm me most, I'll sacrifice them to His blood.

Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world: have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world: give us peace.

a prayer of St. Patrick

2008-03-17T13:51:00.002-05:00

I usually spend Tuesday afternoons taking care of Dan's kids. I often peruse his little library while the kids are napping, and I've been through a number of good books during those stolen corners of time. You've probably heard of Jesus Freaks, a book by D.C. Talk and Voice of the Martyrs--it's essentially a modern update to Foxe's Book of Martyrs. The stories are brief and often compelling. On Dan's shelf right now is a sequel to Jesus Freaks, which tells not only tales of martyrs, but of other Christians who lived lives of extreme sacrifice for Christ's sake.

Among the mini-biographies in Jesus Freaks II is a profile of St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland and a man who would probably be horrified to be commemorated with worldwide drinking parties. His life story is rather fascinating, and I encourage you to check out this Catholic Encyclopedia, Wikipedia, or the book to learn more about him.

This prayer is widely attributed to St. Patrick. It was sung as a hymn, reads like a poem, and I can only imagine how my life would change if I prayed it every day, as he and his followers did. This is the awareness I wish I maintained in my life.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In service of archangels,
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In the prayers of patriarchs,
In preachings of the apostles,
In faiths of confessors,
In innocence of virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.
I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
I summon today all these powers between me and evil,
Against every cruel merciless power that opposes my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of women and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.
Christ shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that reward may come to me in abundance.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through a confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.

imagination

2008-02-11T01:02:00.000-06:00

I know of no foolproof routes to intimacy with Christ. But I do know that God has used my imagination as a powerful tool to draw me close to Him. In my mind's eye, Christ becomes tangible to me. I can see the throne room in my imagination. I can see His face, and hear His voice, and feel His touch.

In my imagination, I can intercede freely, because I can foster compassion and empathy, and become the people I am praying for. My imagination and spirit, fed by the Spirit and my limited knowledge and understanding of God, discerns what God's will is and allows me to pray for it.

Given that and some recent discussion about idolatry and Isaiah, I was captivated by today's challenge in My Utmost for His Highest (Chambers, www.myutmost.org):

"Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these things." Isaiah 40:26

The people of God in Isaiah's day had starved their imagination by looking on the face of idols, and Isaiah made them look up at the heavens, that is, he made them begin to use their imagination aright. Nature to a saint is sacramental. If we are children of God, we have a tremendous treasure in Nature. In every wind that blows, in every night and day of the year, in every sign of the sky, in every blossoming and in every withering of the earth, there is a real coming of God to us if we will simply use our starved imagination to realize it.
The test of spiritual concentration is bringing the imagination into captivity. Is your imagination looking on the face of an idol? Is the idol yourself? Your work? Your conception of what a worker should be? Your experience of salvation and sanctification? Then your imagination of God is starved, and when you are up against difficulties you have no power, you can only endure in darkness. If your imagination is starved, do not look back to your own experience; it is God Whom you need. Go right out of yourself, away from the face of your idols, away from everything that has been starving your imagination. Rouse yourself, take the gibe that Isaiah gave the people, and deliberately turn your imagination to God.
One of the reasons of stultification in prayer is that there is no imagination, no power of putting ourselves deliberately before God. We have to learn how to be broken bread and poured out wine on the line of intercession more than on the line of personal contact. Imagination is the power God gives a saint to posit himself out of himself into relationships he never was in.

It's just a good reminder.

Life More Abundantly

2008-02-04T00:18:00.000-06:00

I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. . . I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them. -Jesus, in John 17

A few years ago, someone introduced me to the idea that there must be more than this. No matter how deep or intimate we grow spiritually, we’ve never ‘arrived.’ There’s always more. More Spirit, more Jesus, more GOD. More sanctification, more grace, more righteousness. More reasons to worship, more understanding, more Love.

We can never reach the end of God. This morning Dan suggested to me that even in the complete sanctification of heaven we will grow in love and joy with our maker and redeemer.

It’s not an abstraction, though. It’s practical reality.

* * * * *

Lately I’ve been rather focused on the corporate nature of Christian living. I think it’s kind of like vector graphics: the doctrine, story, and truth of the Bible are meant for the church—the whole church, the catholic worldwide church through time that is together the body of Christ. But when you zoom in, the doctrine, story, and truth are still clear and relevant. For the church today. For the church in this country today. For the church I attend each Sunday. For the people I join with in Bible study. For my family. For me.

It’s pretty cool.

I think that we—Americans, evangelicals, rich people, whatever—have fallen into a trap of always emphasizing the zoomed-in view. We want to know how it is relevant to OUR lives as individuals. Give us application, give us insight, let it change our lives. And that’s extremely important, for every member of the body is in an individual relationship with God. It’s the most personal thing there ever could be.

But we are not meant to go it alone. Confess your sins to God and He will absolve you. Repent and he will forgive you. But there are two important ways that this can and should be corporate. If you confess your sins to God and another believer (or two, or many), you have a network of people to help you turn, be restored, and stay in line with the word. Accountability. And in the incredibly relational world of Christianity, this unity is SO important. We can meet each other in times of needs, lift the heads of the broken, speak truth to their innermost being, and tangibly be Christ to them. I might not know the truth that I need to hear—I might not have the strength to preach it to myself. But if I am connected to a community of believers willing to ask the hard questions and meet me in my need and help me walk in victory, I am much more likely to succeed.

This carries over to every aspect of Christian life. Worshipping together draws in the attention of the straying one. Hearing the word preached together gives us a common experience and starting point to spur on individual and group truth-seeking. Discussing the Word turns a lonely meal into a feast, literally adding richness to our understanding. The individual disciplines of Christian life can and should be lived out in community.

The other way that repentance (or any other aspect of Christian life) can and should be corporate is in a more collective sense. In the old testament, kings, prophets, and priests routinely led their people in corporate confession and repentance. In this case it’s not about confessing the sins of each individual, but the sins of the group: We’ve turned away from You. We’ve worshiped idols. We’ve disobeyed You and failed to honor the first commandment. We’ve turned away from our first love.

In America: We’ve legislated the murder of innocents. Loved money instead of God.

In a church: We’ve neglected evangelism. Failed to love our community. Fostered the spirit of judgment and division.

In a small group: We’ve passed judgment on our brothers/sisters. Failed to be led by prayer and the Spirit. Sought the advice of friends rather than the guidance of God.

On every level, in any situation, we can corporately repent and reap the consequent blessings. (Following the comparison through, individuals can be accountable to other individuals or small groups, small groups to each other and churches, churches to each other and denominations, etc. And really on all levels the head is Christ.)

So why doesn’t it work? My main postulate is that we (especially in the West today) are so darned independent that corporate life is just impossibly hard. Community living requires humility—it means putting the interests of others before your own (love) and being willing to acknowledge the weakest and darkest parts of yourself (vulnerability). We’re wretched sinners and even when we try to live this way we fail miserably, and we pass judgement on each other, and divisions spring up, and etc. It’s just so hard.

Look at the smallest scale of community. A husband and wife, the closest to oneness that you can get and still call it community. At its best it’s amazing. But no one who’s been married for any length of time will tell you that it doesn’t take hard work, and tons of humility, and vulnerability, and love. At the end of the day a successful marriage is dependent on each person being completely humble and vulnerable and filled up in their relationship with God.

I don’t know how to express it, this corporateness. But it’s everything. It’s God himself, three-yet-one. It’s a person and God. It’s a marriage. It’s a family. It’s a group. It’s a church. It’s a city, state, nation, world. It’s the body of Christ. Differently gifted, uniquely suited for special tasks, called as individuals and as groups to do His will in specific ways, all under the direction and banner and authority and headship of the man-God Christ Jesus, the Messiah whose plan it is we’re following, whose glory is our ultimate goal, and who’s Personhood is the corporate unity that all the rest is modeled after.

We have to do it together. There is no alone. I need you—I need the Christ-in-you. I can offer only the Christ-in-me. It’s so simple. We are the same. The same wretches, the same redeemed (by the same blood), the same family with the same father. The same body of Christ.

* * * * *

I’m not content with life as I know it. There’s so much more than this.

oh holy night

2007-12-12T16:38:00.000-06:00

Advent is here, and with it the lovely traditions of the season: decorated Christmas trees, holiday parties filled with friends and fun, and listening to the most amazing rendition of Oh Holy Night that you could possibly imagine.

I was first introduced to this clip five years ago, in my freshman "Music and Christian Perspective" class at Houghton. If you've never heard it, you're in for a treat. Every year I listen to it over and over again, and every year I wind up in tears. Prepare to be moved.

I didn't take the time to figure out how to embed only the audio--the video is just a guy lip-syncing, and not very well. So feel free not to watch. Just sit back, close your eyes, and enjoy.

what is missing?

2007-12-10T16:33:00.000-06:00

I've always struggled with the paradox about which Dan preached last night--a sinner who is a saint, a saint who sins. How can God look on me, and not see my sin, but still want me changed?

This ten minute clip from Graham Cooke gives a really stunning answer in the last few minutes. It's worth a listen if you have the time. (And he has a great accent, if that's any motivation for you at all.) :-)

Dearest Lord, complete what is missing in our experience of You!

happiness!

2007-12-07T13:07:00.000-06:00

"Happiness," a song from the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, never fails to elicit a smile from me. It's simple, it's child-like (not childish), and it's a reminder of all the little things that can be delightful if we stop to enjoy them.

Happiness is finding a pencil, pizza with sausage, telling the time
Happiness is learning to whistle, tying your shoes for the very first time
Happiness is playing the drum in your own school band
And happiness is walking hand in hand

Happiness is two kinds of ice cream, knowing a secret, climbing a tree
Happiness is five different crayons, catching a firefly, setting him free
Happiness is being alone every now and then
And happiness is coming home again

Despite all the angst about schoolwork this past week, I've had a marvelous semester. I do love enjoying things, and nooks and crannies of joy have been scattered all over these last few months. It's not just happiness, though--it's seeing God's grace in those moments, knowing that I don't deserve them but that God has given them to me anyway because he loves to delight me. Recognizing that all these things come from the bounty of his hand make them all even more wonderful, because in enjoying them I can be delighting in God, and he in me.

(Oh, what the blood of Jesus has done! That this could actually be!)

So here's my little list of happiness and grace in my life, just over the past couple days. Not as poetic as the musical, but just as enthusiastic and heartfelt.

Happiness is the bus at the library coming just when I need it, so I can catch the next bus home.
Happiness is missing the bus but enjoying the exercise and some music on the walk.

Happiness is getting just enough sleep for everything to seem entertaining the next day.
Happiness is a cup of tea and the last chapter of a good book.

Happiness is stretching out in bed, knowing that it's okay to sleep a little bit longer.
Happiness is a Christmas tree lighting and scenting a dark and quiet room.

Happiness is a dusting of snow: wet enough for snowballs, white enough for winter to be here.
Happiness is friends laughing together, eating together, walking together, just being together.

Happiness is people you love having reasons to celebrate.
Happiness is anticipating the return of the love of your life, be it in a manger or in the clouds.

Happiness is calls from friends at 2AM with the sole purpose of having a chat
Happiness is knowing that the people in cars driving by are wondering why you're dancing down the street.

Happiness is the memory of all these things and the anticipation of more to come.
Happiness is living in light of Love.

Abandon

2007-11-27T15:25:00.001-06:00

How far will you let me go?
How abandoned will you let me be?
-Misty Edwards

What is holding you back from being completely devoted to Jesus?

The other day I found myself pondering sanctification--the process by which we become like Him whom we love. I am drastically different than I used to be; hopefully different in a good way, the way He is. I came across as very legalistic when I was first learning about God's ways: do this, do not do this, because God says so. Over time, the relational aspect of being a Christian has grown in my life: obeying out of love for Christ and trust in his goodness, with a somewhat more nuanced understanding of right and wrong.

Yet even now there are days when my living rightly is not particularly righteous. It is easy to slip into a holding pattern, perhaps obeying God's principles out of habit, but not consciously choosing to serve and love him. On those days, when I'm living by a moral law because that's just what I do...what's the point? Like Paul said, I am nothing, no better than a randomly clanging cymbal. Love is what makes this Christianity what it is...

And, oh, what love this is! Worth any price, any lengths of devotion, any suffering, any perseverance. How can I get more? Is there anything in me that is stopping the free flow of the cascading power of God's love in my life? I know there's more, for the depths of God are limitless, far beyond the reach of any dusty human. The law is merely the hollow form: the cross is the heart and the life and the glory for the people of God. Grounded in and centered on Christ, trusting God for everything, white as snow because of the cross, knees on the ground in gratitude and humility--if only we could maintain this posture, what glories and graces could be seen? It's there...just beyond...

How far will he let us go? How abandoned will he let us be?

the baronet's son

2007-11-24T11:25:00.000-06:00

Above all, love each other deeply...
1 Peter 4:8

One of the books I've read this break has been George MacDonald's The Baronet's Son. It came highly recommended by a person I have highest regard for, and it was indeed a delightful story. The main character is a mute orphan, and his highly romanticized life is one of utmost service. Unable to defend himself with words, this Gibbie endures hardship silently and loves everyone with complete selflessness. He accept the love of others but does not seek it: rather, his entire focus is on helping and working for the best interests of all those he meets.

The love of God is utterly selfless and continually giving. Christians are also called to this love, love of action rather than speech, love that cheerfully sacrifices self without a second thought, love that serves the best interests of everyone we meet. Such love is a joy, not a burden! I think, though, that my own love for others often has strings attached: if not visible caveats, certainly an inner hope that my love will at least be requited.

As many of my friends (and I) continue to ponder, discuss, and in some cases seek romantic love, it strikes me that (despite all the attention it gets) such love is not the highest love to which we are called. Romantic love is so often inherently selfish: it generally expects back the love that it gives. This is not inherently bad, perhaps--I certainly believe that romantic love can have an important role in one's life. But God has something more for our lives, something better. If romance will distract from growing in the perfect agape of God, then away with it! I want romance in my life to look like utter selflessness and service between a man of God and a woman of God, and until then may it escape me.

praise and thanksgiving

2007-11-19T22:05:00.000-06:00

This has been a day of one blessing after another, of God making his power and glory evident in my life from beginning to zed. To let it go by without testifying to that would be denying my God glory that he deserves...so join me in praising him for these things!

Ophelia
Ophelia is my truck, and a lovely truck she is. Last Thursday her brakes went out. I managed to get her to a service station, a Midas where they diagnosed $650 worth of problems: much more than I'm willing to spend. Midas said it was likely that in doing the repair more problems would occur. This morning I was grouchy after calling an independent mechanic and hearing him offer to do twice the work for 2/3 the price, but that would require a tow that would put me over my budget.

So what did God do? Over the weekend, he provided me with all kinds of transportation in the form of my friends and my feet. I didn't miss out on anything I was hoping to do because of lack of transportation, even when they were far from my apartment. He also gave me friends with great advice about what to do. A mechanic friend from NY even offered to fly here and fix it himself (whoa!). Then God answered my prayers that the people at Midas wouldn't break things worse or find too much corrosion to make it drivable, and the repair went smoothly. Finally, my loan money got deposited just in time to help cover this work.

Crestmont
I've been heading up a new Renovo ministry for the kids in government-aided housing nearby, but the ministry hasn't been able to get off the ground and has become a real burden to me. Last week, a leader I was counting on stepped down. But God gave my mentor and I a new vision for the ministry, one that is more feasible and sustainable. This morning I got the go-ahead from the Renovo leadership, and right after that I met with a girl who wants to help out. Her specialty area in her IU studies? Event planning. I'm so excited, and so grateful that God's put people in my life to share the responsibility for ministry, reignite my passion for service, and work together with me as the body of Christ. Synergy? It's a God-thing.

Thanksgiving
So first I was going to stick around for Thanksgiving break, get caught up, and hang with other friends that would be around. Then I decided to go home, since my family is going through a rough time. Then my truck broke, so I couldn't go home, but my friends had already made alternate plans for the holiday and the weekend, and my lack-of-truck meant spending the weekend home alone. It was looking bleak, even when I managed to get myself excited about the opportunity to have a real retreat with God.

Then God stepped in. A friend offered me her car for the weekend. She also encouraged me to ask a couple other people about joining their festivities, and only because of that encouragement I did and was invited along. (And it's a gathering with not only one, but many friends whom I love!) I was offered some hours at work on Saturday, and a friend agreed to meet with me on Friday, and then I was invited to another family's Thanksgiving celebration on Sunday afternoon (which I could accept because my truck was fixed)!!! I had even tossed around the idea of having people over for dinner on Wednesday, which has now been incorporated into a grander scheme in which I get to enjoy friends, food, and fun but at someone else's house, so I don't even have to clean. I still have ample time for schoolwork, and ample time (if there is such a thing) for prayer and Biblical inquiry, and maybe even ample time for reading a novel. My bleak weekend has become a real break, ripe with possibilities for fun and blessing and all manner of good things. And it's all God's doing.

Dan said last Sunday that we should look for little God-glories in the preaching of the word at church. Really, though, those God-glories are everywhere. He's alive and active in this world, in your life and in mine. Do you see it? If so, I'd be so glad to hear about what he's doing. The more the merrier in this--this is worship! Let's glorify God together, both for what he's done and for who he is. He's worthy of all our praise and thanksgiving.

thinking all week long

2007-11-18T12:05:00.000-06:00

I'm finally nearing the end of a hectic week, which means I can turn some of my energy away from forcing myself to work and turn my thoughts toward...well...thinking.

So here are a few things that have been on my mind:

1. Why don't people want more of God in their lives??? It's a question that bugs me all the time. I know the answers--some of my friends have been shooting me IMs with all the reasons they can think of. But really, He's so wonderful, and gentle, and loving, and good. In Him is freedom, and liberty, and peace, and joy. With Him one need never be lonely, or frightened, or even worried. I don't remember these things always: sometimes I don't live as though He is sufficient. But He is. How are people not attracted to the one who desires to meet all their needs?

I can only think of two reasons, really. The first is that it's terrifying to put any interests before your own. To have a relationship with God means trusting Him and glorifying Him, even (especially?) to the extent of self-sacrifice. (But it ALWAYS worth it.)

The second reason is more troubling: People aren't attracted to God because His people don't make it clear how amazing He is. I don't even know where to go with that, except maybe back to 1 Peter and Acts and other places in the Bible that show us what our lives ought to look like in relation to non-believers. I'm not upset that the church is filled with sinners. That's the way God built it (more of his awesomeness right there). I'm upset that his people are not seeking and finding him, because they're not seeking him with all their hearts. And therefore the world is not seeing Jesus through his church, because his church is not glorifying him. (I think of Dan's last couple blog posts. If that doesn't break your heart...)

2. And now for something completely different. A lot of people I've talked to recently have mentioned that money is tight. I know it is for me. One of my problems is that I don't have good, practical, practiced skills for managing my money. I desire to be a good steward in all that God has given me. Can anyone direct me to people or websites or books that might help me out, or does anyone know of a Crown or other financial ministry Bible study in town?

3. God's creation is amazing.

The Bible says that truth about God is revealed in creation. It's easy to be out in the middle of the woods and awestruck by scenery both beautiful and sublime, but what does each bit reveal about God's nature and character? Take the example of a flower. The color may speak to God's grandeur or subtlety or creativity. The symmetry reveals His ordered nature and flawless aesthetics. The stamen and pistle are mini-images of two-in-one, creative, regenerative life. The way the roots and stem gather and transport water and nutrients, just perfect for survival in this world, according to the physics of Earth, show his ordered glory and care for details. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Look around you--look in the mirror, even! What does God's creation reveal to you?

And on the same note, I have to say that it thrills me to know that non-sentient life (and yes, even the rocks) are glorifying God all the time. The rocks cry out God's glory, for those with eyes to see. The very trees are clapping their hands, cheering Him. (Have you ever listened? Have you ever joined in?). When we stop praising God, the chorus in the fields picks up where we left off. I love that.

Enough for now. Quite possibly more later. I'm full of randomness today.

1 thessalonians 5:16-24

2007-11-12T21:14:00.000-06:00

Be joyful always;
Pray continually;
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not put out the Spirit's fire;
Do not treat prophecies with contempt.

Test everything. Hold on to the good.
Avoid every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

night prayer

2007-11-10T09:05:00.000-06:00

Though I sleep, my heart is awake
Though it's night, on you I'll wait
It's been a long night, and I am weary
It's been a long time, and I am hungry

So I wait in the stillness again
I wait in the quiet again

When I heard your voice, and when you said my name
When I heard your voice, my heart yearned

In the middle of the night
My heart yearned
--Misty Edwards

Last night we had a Renovo prayer walk along Indiana Avenue. Like other prayer events, this one was well-attended, and included a few new faces. Unlike other prayer walks, this one didn't start until nearly midnight. The feel of the street is different that late at night: the homeless people you see really don't have anywhere to go anymore, and it's cold out; the revellers are mostly plastered and free from inhibitions like kindness or common sense. The spirit of good, clean, Friday-night fun seemed to have passed for a spirit of darkness and vice. How I wish we could speak truth into the hurting hearts finding love and oblivion in alcohol and sex! I saw so many things that I know grieve God's heart, and my heart grieves, too. Will that one girl ever really break free from the horrible names her boyfriend was calling her, or will it haunt her even if she comes to know God's truth? Will that man find that the words he meant to mock us with are actually the powerful truth?

One thing I love about Renovo prayer walks is that no matter how much faith you have walking in, you're sure to be spurred on to believe God for bigger and greater things by the end. One prayer of faith breaks in, changing your heart and inspiring faith until you can pray for something even bigger, and it continues like that until we're all casting ourselves on God for revival and guidance and blessing that He alone could provide. He loves prayers like that, especially when those prayers are rooted in His will, the things he wants anyway. We can pray with confidence for the hearts of the lost, because He desires that none should perish. We can pray with confidence for unity within the body of Christ, because He himself prayed for that unity (we can even use his own words!). We can pray with confidence for the leadership of our church, because we know that God desires people after his own heart, willing to discern and speak truth.

Do you ever pray scripture? It's one of my favorite things to do, since the Word carries so much power and authority, and when you're praying the very words of God it's pretty much impossible to be praying for something He doesn't want. I find that almost the entire Bible can be turned into prayer in one way or another, but there are specific passages that lend themselves to prayer for others, especially in the epistles. It's more powerful when it's spoken (study, sometime, the power of the spoken word!), but for an example a written prayer will do:

From Ephesians 3:
Dearest God, You are amazing. you have riches and wealth and love and understanding beyond anything we could fathom. I ask that you would delve into those riches and use them to strengthen the person reading this right now--strengthen them with power through your Spirit in their innermost being, so that Christ may dwell in their hearts through faith. Secure them firmly in your love--establish them their so they won't be shaken, ever--and give them power to join with all of your family and comprehend the width and length and height and depth of the love of Christ. May they know this love that surpasses knowledge! Fill them to the utmost fullness with Your Spirit, and then increase their capacity and fill them some more! God, you can do this and so much more--more than we could ever ask or imagine--and your power is at work in us. GLORY! Glory be to you in the church and in your son Jesus, both now and in every generation, forever and ever. Amen.

(I am convinced that prayers like that have the power to reclaim even the most depraved darkness. I can't wait to see what God does next.)

identity

2007-11-08T23:35:00.000-06:00

I've been talking with a lot of my friends about personality types lately, from the little enneagram craze amongst ECCers to a general Meyers-Briggs interest in my Houghton circles to conversations about the "29 dimensions" of personality analysis offered by e-harmony. Like many people, I find the quizzes and definitions and insights amusing and intriguing. These typing-tools offer a uniquely objective analysis of personality, and may give us something new to consider regarding our strengths and weaknesses. Just the other day a book about enneagram types cued me in to an area of my life where I needed to seek forgiveness and healing. It was rather interesting.

I have a couple objections to the very idea of personality typing, though. The first is that I find them only partially accurate. Am I an ISFJ? Yes, generally. A Two? Well, sort of. Tests that are designed to lump people into nine or sixteen or thirty-six general categories are obviously going to be limited in their accuracy, because there are more than nine or sixteen or thirty-six kinds of people. If you want to get very picky, you could say that there are 6.6 billion kinds of people, but I understand that the point of these typing tests is to make generalizations. I know enough to take the results with a grain of salt, especially when I don't agree with what the tests say I am. I know other people, though, who buy into this kind of thing completely. Their lives become centered on their personal understanding of their type. They detect (and sometimes dismiss) their shortcomings and strengths based on their test results. I suppose like any good thing, personality typing ought to be taken in moderation.

A google search for "enneagram" brought up some articles that make me hesitate further, though. A couple websites suggest that enneagrams have their roots in occult practices, and are closely connected with New Age ideas about self-actualization. Let me say that these articles were not scholarly or necessarily from reputable sources, but they sure made me stop in my tracks. Many things with actual power for evil have been accepted into modern American life, shrugged off even by mainstream Christianity (ie: horoscopes, the tolerance/acceptance movement). Is this one of them? There are certainly overtones of new-age rhetoric in all of the enneagram materials that I have read. Even the overtly Christian book, which had some unique and insightful comments, was not free from the idea of self-actualization. I do not want to smear every kind of personality typing, nor dimiss the potential benefits of such tools, but I think we need to use extreme caution when integrating these definitions into our lives.

After all, the real question is "Who am I?"

And the real answer comes at the foot of the cross, and all throughout scripture, and in the voice of Jesus when he whispers your name. I want to be defined by God, not by the world's wisdom. I want Him and the people He's put in my life to be the ones to encourage my strengths and lovingly help me overcome my weaknesses. It might be nice to say "oh, you're an ISFJ? Me, too, let's look at the world from our shared viewpoint."--but I'd rather say "oh, you love to pray the word of God over the people around you and see Him answer those prayers mightily? Me too, let's do it together."

I want Jesus to tell me who I am, because it's who I am in relation to Him that matters. I want my friends to show me who they perceive me to be, because with them I can practice my God-life in safety. I am who God says I am, and I can do all things through Christ. May that truth be the one by which we choose to live.

selflessness

2007-11-06T23:26:00.000-06:00

"From the heights we leap and flow
To the valleys down below;
Sweetest urge and sweetest will
To go lower, lower still."
from Hind's Feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard

Mutual submission and gender roles in marriage have been a frequent topic of conversation lately, especially as the c-groups at ECC have been studying 1 Peter 3. The other day one of my friends suggested to me that God would have all Christians live lives of utter selflessness, continually pouring out love and acting in the best interests of everyone else. If we really did live this way as a community, we wouldn't need to care for ourselves because our brothers and sisters would be caring for us fully.

I am convinced that such a pouring out of oneself is what God desires from each of us, whether or not the sustaining community is functioning as it should. As Paul wrote to the Galatians, "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live through faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Christ is our utmost example of a life lived for the sake of others, and he is the one we are to imitate. Our lives should be characterized by extreme selfless giving.

And yet I hesitate.

First, as lovely as it would be for the body of Christ to so minister to one another that none were left empty, it does not function that way. We haven't figured it out, and we're all severely flawed. This makes it dangerous to live lives of extreme selflessness, because it leaves us vulnerable. If we are not caring for ourselves, and the church is not filling in, who is protecting and sustaining us?

The obvious answer is God himself. He picks up the slack, and cares for his children with perfect wisdom and love. Giving up that kind of control is terrifying, and it's incredibly difficult to fight the self-preservation instinct, but the result is always liberty and blessing.

So then here's the question. At what point should reckless abandon be superseded by caution and conservatism? In seasons of my life when I've been particularly outward-focused, I've made some decisions that other people have called foolish and dangerous. Opening the door to a bloody neighbor at 3AM after listening to hours of him fighting with his girlfriend? Probably not wise, but it was a good ministry opportunity. At least in that case I was only putting myself at risk. What about allowing a potentially dangerous individual to stay overnight at my place? That puts my roommate at risk, so is that crossing the line into actual, rather than just perceived foolishness?

Again, at what point should reckless abandon be superseded by caution and conservatism? Where is the balance between wisdom and foolishness, prudence and faithfulness?

a beginning

2007-11-06T22:25:00.000-06:00

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things: of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax, of cabbages, and switching to a google-based blog to facilitate integration with the rest of my digital life.

For the sake of posterity, or in case anyone has the urge to read potentially entertaining descriptions of my life in Ireland last winter, let it be known that my old blog can be found here.

I do not pretend that this blog will be superior in wit, focus, or insight than my last online journal, but the librarian in me has already decided to integrate potentially-alliterative metadata this time--expect posts about theological thoughts, amusing anecdotes, and Godstops (the times when I see God in the world around me).

As always, I invite discussion and feedback. Cheers to you, my readers, for making my digital niche slightly more than just a narcissistic, futile writing exercise.

Living in the Tension

virtually a community

getting things done

this moment

stories

adjusting

here i am

the all-good

last day

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Living Word

about that

He dwelled among us

"it will change your life"

new year

new year's eve

"...and somewhere along the way I fell in love with you."

solemn thanksgiving

on growing up

i want to jump and run and shout and sing this to everyone and everything i see

tuesdays!

taking notes in church

*happy sigh*

In Memoriam: Robert Eugene Beck

Long Obedience

Gems: Grandpa and Me

Gems from the church library: Jesus the Good Shepherd

a little update on my plans

only let me see Your face

the tables turned

covered in the dust of the rabbi

ftw

sick day

coming clean

george herbert: the passion

greatest commandment

oh, there He is

my life in a nutshell

22 words

tangible

happy much?

i cannot wait to name my children

testimony

walked in the rain tonight...

slow learning

Hymn

Guilt

Mikvah

Little lessons

Really Good blog post

the benediction

Calvinists Gone Wild!

Women

All things work together

Happy New Year!

Christmas lights

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thoughts on gay marriage, part 4

thoughts on gay marriage, part 3

thoughts on gay marriage, part 2

thoughts on gay marriage, part 1

Homosexuality and Christianity

he and i

All-Night Vigil

spinning wheels in academia

amazing grace

Is God alone enough?

pensive

two things

Just awesome:

spiritual rest and discipline

527,040 minutes

scattered

micah 6:8

thankful

love (iii)

in the pauses of my day

starlit faces (eden)

"Becoming the Beloved"

"Being the Beloved"

happy sigh